The narcissism of social anxiety

It’s 2017 and I’m walking into the local town centre with my cousin Rowan.

Its a brisk February winters day in England and the town is alive with people shopping, going to work and hanging about with their other 17 year old friends.

“I really hope I don’t bump into someone I know.” I think.

I needed some clothes and Rowan’s a model so I thought he’d be the best person to go with.

I was quite stylish for a 17 year old, but whenever I could I always preferred going out with at least one other person because if I did bump into someone I know, at least I wasn’t alone to fumble in my social awkwardness.

I also tried to avoid places where it was likely I’d bump into someone I know. But I’m 17 and I don’t have a car yet so the town centre is my only option if I want to buy something.

I see the shop NEXT and we go in. I’m leading the way to the men’s section upstairs and I think; “I don’t actually need anything from here.” So I hesitate to turn around but reason “Ah screw it I’ll go anyway.”

We walk around, checking out the clothes. The shop is fairly busy which means more people to hide amongst, but also more people to potentially bump into. Looking at the clothes slowly takes my mind off the plea I made earlier to the heavens to not bump into anyone I know. “Hmm. I don’t feel that nervous anymore.” I realise.

I start sifting through the t-shirts, shorts, jumpers for the next 5 minutes and nothing’s really caught my attention. I can see Rowan’s not impressed so I take that as a signal from my fashion stylist that it’s time to leave.

But as I turn around to walk past the tills, and to my shock I suddenly hear a beautiful feminine voice call; “Lewis!!!”.

I turn to my left and instantly go bright red, exhale a short breath and suddenly retreat to my mind. The nervousness which I’d done well to forget had now returned. With a vengeance.

“I had no idea she worked here” I thought. “Now I have to act confident. And worse yet, Rowan will be here to watch me fumble the whole thing.”

Suddenly one of the most beautiful girls I know called Sophie was jumping towards me and I was stretching my arms wide to hug her.

Tight hug? Lose? Oh no I’m overthinking already.

To say I fancy her would be an understatement. Sophie is one of the bubbliest and most attractive girls I know. She has long brunette hair with blonde highlights and a smile that warmed your heart. Of course, all of these attractive qualities don’t help my nerves.

We didn’t go to the same school but we had mutual friends. I’d been told before that she fancied me so, you’d think win win right?! We both fancy each other, what’s the next logical move?

But at 17 my brain doesn’t work like that. If I fancy a girl my first instinct is to act like I don’t. To ignore her even. And then become nervous if I ever get the opportunity to talk to her or be within 5 square meters of her personal space.

We begin talking, I have no idea about what but words start coming out my mouth. I can feel myself blush red and tremble. “She’s noticed I’m nervous. Oh my god. Lord please end this situation!”

But what’s worse… I can see she’s nervous too. She’s gone bright red. She can’t hide it, and neither can I.

We’re both nervous recks stood in the middle of a busy shop trying to talk to each other about something, anything, EVERYTHING that comes to our minds.

My mind is on a rampage.

“Ahhh, she’s so beautiful.” I think.

“I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?” I mutter. Ask how she is, that’s good Lewis well done. NOW RUN!

She replies and I can’t even pay attention to what she’s saying because I’m too busy thinking about what to say next. I say I didn’t know she worked here and she began to tell me how she much she hates the job.

“Leave then.” I suddenly blurt out with 3 of her colleagues stood behind the till to our left. She gives me a nervous look as if to say “we shouldn’t talk about this here” to which I realise the situational sin I’ve just committed.

2 minutes later I search for a way to end the conversation because usually after a minute the feeling of nerves goes away but this time its getting worse. In fact, my nervousness is increasing with every word I say.

A thought rushes through my mind: “perhaps there’s a customer she needs to serve and I can remind her?”. So I scan the shop quickly. But it’s suddenly dead quiet. “Where has everyone gone? Maybe it’s not 2 minutes but 2 hours we’ve been speaking for? Who cares, I want to die.”.

I also see Rowan out the corner of my eye pretending to look through some clothes. RUN! I’ll call Rowans attention, wrap the conversation up with Sophie and get the hell out of here.

We continue talking in our nervousness until I say “that’s my cousin. We’ve got to go.”.

“Yeah I better get back to work.” Sophie replies.

“One more hug?” I thought.

As we hugged and she turned around to walk back to the till, I felt she knew it might never work out between us. The children, marriage and family my 17 year old brain had previously envisioned with this young woman slowly felt like an impossibility. Maybe in the next life huh? When we’ve both overcome our social anxiety.

She’s now returned behind the till so I wave and say one last goodbye before me and Rowan make our way out of the shop.

I feel defeated. And neither of us say a word as we descend the stairs and return to daylight and the busy town centre.

But then my sorrow turns to anger. Quick.

“For god’s sake I HATE how nervous I get around girls. Did you see that?! That was so uncomfortable. And what’s worse is she was nervous too! Argh. Why do I get so anxious?”

“You didn’t seem nervous at all”. Rowan replied.

“Really?” I responded. “Really?”.

I sigh and as we walked back home, I decided; “I never want to feel like that again”.

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Part 2: (dissecting)

When I was 17, I always felt socially anxious around new people or people I hadn’t spoken to a lot. Which is funny because for the first 16 years of my life I didn’t even know what social anxiety was. I went to a mixed public school, went to events by myself and me and my friends were considered the popular group. I felt I could socialise with anyone, regardless of age or what was between their legs.

But as soon as I turned 17 and started sixth form, I felt unable to talk to most people. The energy I held in social interactions was an inner quiver which shook between imposter syndrome and awkwardness. I was constantly worried what others thought of me and of fumbling in nervousness while talking to someone.

Sixth form was great.

But now I’m 23, I feel the complete opposite of this social anxiety in most social situations I find myself in.

I have no issue approaching a stranger, I can easily think of things to talk about and on the odd occasion I do feel anxious, I know exactly how to manage it. And upon reflection I’ve realised that anxiety, especially social anxiety, is actually quite narcissistic.

Straight after sixth form, at 18 years old, I went travelling alone around Europe. The exposure I had to different people, cultures and testing social experiences showed me first hand that no one cares.

Literally, all the social mishaps you make are all forgotten. Either by death or by the next day.

When I worked as a salesman in a busy leisure centre, part of my job was touring people around the gym, cold approaching people on the street and going into local restaurants, shops and businesses to sell the membership. Something my 17 year old self could never have imagined doing.

When touring a customer around the gym, I realised a lot of them were terrified because they hadn’t been to a gym before, and most of them thought the same thing; everyone is going to pay attention to me and watch me mess up trying to use the equipment I have no idea how to use. I will look like a fool. Some even referred to the weights room as “the big scary room”.

But my job was to calm them down and show them; everyone is too busy in their own heads to worry about what you’re doing.

In psychology there’s something called the spotlight effect. Which encapsulates just this.

You walk about your daily business convinced you’re on centre stage and there’s a spotlight on you.

How narcissistic is this!

Think of the amount of problems the average human mulls over in their minds. And you think they’re spending mental energy thinking about what you’re doing?

This is exactly what I regret about the nervous interaction I had with Sophie in the shop. Because I was so focused on myself and how nervous I felt, I missed the opportunity to focus on her. I wasn’t present for her. I wasn’t attentive. I made it all about me in my head and because of this, we never got married. I’m kidding obviously, but the rapport between us suffered greatly.

Through being a salesman and just generally being more social now, I’ve also realised one key thing. People are DYING to be listened to, flirted with, teased and spoken to. Which is a game changer if you do get socially anxious because, in conversation you can focus all your attention externally on them and they’ll love you for it! Because you’ll be listening to them, showing interest and occasionally bringing joy to the interaction.

So the fact I’m referring to your social anxiety as narcissism isn’t an accusation, although you may see it that way. Its actually a source of liberation from the shackles of your anxiety.

Because when you literally focus all of your attention on your external environment rather than your internal quivering chatter, you’ll notice that the anxiety evaporates AND the other person will feel like someone’s genuinely paying attention to them.

I wanted to leave you with an actionable tip, so that is it: when socially anxious, focus all of your attention on your external environment. Get out of your head and into the moment.

And when you do feel anxious, own it, invite it, tell others you feel anxious and they’ll resonate with the shared vulnerability. Just please, do not fight it. Owning it is all you need to do.

And you’ll see that when social anxiety becomes your best friend, every moment is optimal because it reminds you; if you mess up, don’t worry. No one cares anyway.