Trying to be happy is making you miserable

Trying to be happy is making you miserable

written by
Lewis Corse

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time someone put a solid hand on your shoulder and kindly slapped you across the face.

Because you are continuously making yourself miserable, stunting your own progress and convincing yourself anything short of having a beaming smile on your face 24/7 is a mental illness.

In short, trying to be happy is making you miserable.

Most people, when asked what’s the “meaning of life?”, respond with “the meaning of life is to be happy.”

We don’t have to look far either to see people chasing this emotion in their everyday actions which are short-term, impulsive and of the mindset of drink today for tomorrow we die!

And god forbid you feel anything less than happy, 99% of people would interpret you have a mental health problem.

Most people view happiness as the end point of all life, and imagine that when they’ll be happy everything will be fine.

But as we know, happiness is about as elusive as your ex girlfriend.

So why is it that trying to grasp happiness is like trying to put water in an envelope? It seems the more you try to be happy the less happy you’ll be.

And is happiness a skill that we can learn or something we should just give up on?

In the next 5 minutes, I’ll share the conclusions I’ve come to. And yes you will be happy by the end of it.

What is happiness?:

Firstly, the root of the word happiness comes from the old norse word hap which means luck or chance.

Happiness is an emotional state characterised by joy, satisfaction and contentment.

But because it is such an elusive topic, psychologists have scrapped the word happiness and have opted for the easier to handle term of subjective well-being which focuses on the individual’s feelings about their current life.

Subjective well-being involves two things:

1.) The balance of emotions

Most of the time we feel a range of emotions. So having a balance of emotions means you feel positive emotions more frequently than negative ones.

2.) Life satisfaction

This refers to how satisfied you are with each aspect of your life; career, wealth, relationships.

So it seems happiness is a by product of our actions. Keep this in mind when we go through the steps to increase happiness in a minute.

But before we do that, let’s see what philosophy and evolutionary psychology has to say about happiness.

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Philosophy:

Most conversations in life return to the old cliche of “it’s all about balance” which is another way of saying “nothing in excess” which was the advice the oracle of Delphi gave in Ancient Greece.

Aristotle suggested happiness could be achieve through the golden mean; where balance is achieved between two extremes, deficiency and excess.

Aristotle also believed there are two types of happiness: hedonia and eudaemonia.

Hedonia is happiness derived from pleasure. Fulfilling your desires and doing what feels good, much like a monkey or 2 year old.

Eudaemonia is happiness derived from seeking virtue and meaning. This type of happiness comes from feeling your life has meaning and purpose.

Evolutionary psychology:

In his book good reasons for bad feelings, evolutionary psychiatrist Randolph Nesse suggests most of our behaviour is in pursuit of a goal and our mood adjusts to cope with advantageous and disadvantageous situations.

Let me explain, for those of you failed GCSE English.

Evolutionarily, an advantageous situation is a favourable one which a small investment gives a reliably big pay off.

For example, for our bush dwelling ancestors, if a herd of bison started coming down the valley, an energetic pursuit would likely be worth the effort and risk for a tasty dinner.

If you’re a car salesman, extra effort in a boom year will pay off.

In a disadvantageous situation however, effort is likely to be wasted.

For example, if no bison have been sighted in the last year, going out on an expedition to look for them would likely be a waste of energy.

Trying to sell cars during an economic downturn is kind of useless.

Therefore, if your mood rises due to an advantageous situation, you can take full advantage of opportunities.

If your mood falls because of a disadvantageous situation, you can avoid wasted effort and choose another course of action.

So in conclusion, according to evolutionary psychology, the ability for our mood to vary gives us a survival advantage because if we were happy all of the time, we would likely waste a lot of effort or exude no effort to improve our circumstances.

The perpetually happy caveman probably died young.

So far:

So now we’ve nerded out a little bit, let’s organise those conclusions and outline the juicy details:

How can we increase happiness?

1.) Pursue intrinsic goals & find your purpose

When asked, most people don’t have a clue what their values are.

And that’s no surprise when their actions show them flitting from one futile relationship to another.

Positive psychology has shown we are much more likely to feel a sense of wellbeing by pursuing goals which internally resonate with us rather than goals others have set for us.

Figuring out your values, I can tell you from personal experience, will also add a groundedness and clarity to your life like never before.

Values are like a journey with no destination. They aid you in making decisions, both big life decisions such as who to marry and the micro decisions which make up your life such as whether to work out today or not.

Your purpose in life is also why you think you’re here on earth; how can your skills be utilised for the utmost benefit. What cause do you want to serve which is bigger than you?

To figure out your values, ponder these questions:

1.) What do you want to stand for in your relationships with yourself, your health and personal growth? What is important to you about these?

2.) What kind of person do you want to be for the people in your life? How do you want to interact with the and contribute to their lives?

3.) How do you want the people in your life to feel when you are around? What do you want to represent in your circle of friends and family?

4.) If you only get to live once, what impact do you want to have while you’re here?

To figure out your life’s purpose, do these two things:

1.) Write your ikigai

2.) Imagine you’re 90 years old and on your death bed. Your great grandchild comes up to you and says “grandparent! You lived a full and fulfilling life! But I have no clue what to do with my life. What should I do?” - your instinctual one minute response is what you should do with the rest of your life.

2.) Remove your expectations

Happiness = life - your expectations.

In any situation in life you can change it, accept it or leave it.

Often in life we see the world as a plaything. To bend and mould to our will.

Then we grow disheartened when it doesn’t act in line with our expectations.

Living life with no expectations is the easiest way to become happier.

“Don’t take yourself too seriously. You’re just a monkey with a plan.”

  • Naval Ravikant

3.) Choose one desire and accept it will make you unhappy

We can’t not want things.

But it just so happens when we want something we emit the frequency of lack and are unhappy until we get what we want.

So, only cultivate one desire at a time in your life and understand it will be the source of your unhappiness until you get it.

4.) Reduce screen time

There are no exceptions; all screen time scrolling is linked to less happiness.

The most practical thing you can do to become happier is to stop mindlessly scrolling and replace it with real world activities such as walking, journalling, reading, meditating and exercising.

Stop using all technology before 8pm.

5.) Develop presence

You can only be as happy as your awareness in this moment.

6.) Look for the good through mental alchemy

Cultivate the art of attention by shifting your mood polarity.

Emotions exist along a spectrum, so where there is sadness there is also happiness. Where there is fear there is also courage.

You can transmute the energy of the emotion you’re feeling into its polar opposite by actively reframing negative thoughts into positive thoughts.

In the same way as if you entered into a dark room you wouldn’t shovel out the darkness but instead turn the light on.

So don’t banish the bad, just choose to look for the good and you will find it.

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7.) Build good sleep hygiene & protect it like a yard dog

The earliest piece of mental health advice I got was from Jordan Peterson and he said to go to sleep and wake up at the same time everyday.

This is because our emotional systems are directly in tune with our circadian rhythm.

Hence the groggy adult who goes to bed anywhere between 3am-6am and wakes up at 1pm the next day is a pain to be around.

So grow up and go to bed at a proper time.

And whenever someone invites you to have a late night, be doubly cautious. And if you do have a late night; understand you are stealing happiness from the next day.

Summary:

Happiness is a by-product of our actions. But if you want to increase happiness:

1.) Pursue intrinsic goals & discover your purpose

2.) Remove your expectations

3.) Choose one desire & accept it will make you unhappy

4.) Reduce screen time

5.) Develop presence

6.) Look for the good through mental alchemy

7.) Build good sleep hygiene & protect it like a yard dog

And don’t forget, if you feel anything less than happy sometimes, don’t worry… you don’t have a mental illness. :)

“A happy person isn’t happy all of the time. A happy person interprets events in such a way that they don’t lose their inner peace.”

  • Naval Ravikant

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