Amigos and amigas!

I hope you're having a good week so far.

Also...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

- 1 mental health tip

- 1 social skills tip

- 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) "What's the life task here?"

In his book memories, dreams and reflections, the renowned psychoanalyst Carl Jung recalls a memory from his childhood.

One day as a young boy, he was playing by his family home in the Swiss countryside but then began to eavesdrop on a conversation his dad was having with a friend close by.

At this point, Jung had been off school for months with what was described as 'fainting fits' brought on by fear of mathematics. And he was loving the time off.

‘I was free,’ he recalled, ‘could dream for hours, be anywhere I liked, in the woods or by the water, or draw.’

But he started to get the feeling he was hiding from his life.

‘I had the obscure feeling that I was fleeing from myself,’ he writes.

Then he heard the friend ask his father: ‘and how is your son?’

‘Ah, that’s a sad business,’ his father replied. ‘The doctors no longer know what is wrong with him. They think it may be epilepsy. It would be dreadful if he were incurable. I have lost what little I had, and what will become of the boy if he cannot earn his own living?’

This hit Jung like a thunderbolt. Awakening him even more to the harsh reality of his hiding.

As Jung recalled...

‘This was the collision with reality. “Why, then, I must get to work!” I thought suddenly. From that moment on, I became a serious child. I crept away, went to my father’s study, took out my Latin grammar, and began to cram with intense concentration.’

The fits continued, but he pushed through. Because he knew he needed to answer the call to action. He knew he needed to rise to his life task and stop hiding.

Distillation...

Reading that last sentence you might have thought; "Lewis, surely it's 'life's task' not 'life task'?".

And if we were discussing the topic of purpose, mission or one's 'reason for being here', I'd agree and say you're right.

But in this context, your 'life task' isn't your grand purpose in life but something life is demanding of you right now.

This is an idea from Oliver Burkeman's book meditations for mortals, and the idea goes like this...

If you're stuck wondering what to do in life, or feeling stranded on the island of misery and confusion, forget for a moment what you want from life and instead ask "what does life currently want from me?"

For example, your life task could be...

- Calling that person to tell them you don't want to be together anymore. Or calling to let them know you love them.

- Taking that job even though you don't know whether it'll work out. Or quitting your current job.

- Booking that flight even when you have no plan of what to do after you land. Or staying put where you are if what you usually do is flee.

- Finally facing the dirtiness of your room and dedicating a whole day to sorting out the mess.

Returning to the story of Jung, you could argue he was just motivated to respond to the pressure of his family and society. But equally one's life task could be responding to society's demands or it could not (as seen in the examples above).

Regardless, here are 3 things that'll help you find your current life task...

1.) Intuition

No one can tell you what your life task is. It's purely a matter of intuition.

You might find the idea of your life task 'comes out of nowhere' or you just feel like its the necessary next thing to do.

Simply asking the question "what does life currently want from me?" should be enough to spark an answer from your unconscious.

2.) It'll involve a matter of effort and difficulty

Your life task will push back against the comfort you're currently in and enlarge you.

Also, you'll likely be afraid to do it.

3.) It won't be unrealistic

If you have £50 in the bank, your life task won't be to book a flight to Peru and then fly around the world.

Nor if you have 4 kids would your life task to be to start a business and work 18 hours a day.

Instead your life task will meet you where you're at, but with an adventure that demands more from you.

As Oliver Burkeman says; “it’s what’s being asked of you, with your particular skills, resources and personality traits, in the place where you actually find yourself.”

So my question to you is, big or small...

- What's your life task right now?

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Your name

Read any social skills book and the will author will scold you if you don't do one thing...

Learn people's names and use it while talking to them.

The logic behind this is people love the sound of their own voice.

But is this true?

If you've ever been on the receiving end of someone CONSTANTLY using your name, you'll know what starts off as a nice personal feel to their words soon sparks your suspicion of manipulation and false nicety in the other person.

"Hi nice to meet you."

"And you! What's your name?"

"Lewis."

"Ah Lewis, so tell me, where are you from?"

"England."

"Great Lewis, I've been there before. Lewis, I'm curious what do you do?"

"I'm a youtuber."

"Interesting Lewis. So Lewis... erm... Lewis?"

*Lewis has turned back to the bar to ask the bartender if he has any idea on how to instantly remove a cunt from the premises.

So an alternative is to not overuse someone else's name (to prevent coming across as suspicious and over-friendly) but most importantly to use your name when you speak.

Why?

Using your name does 2 things:

1.) It reminds people of your name if they've forgotten it.

2.) It humanises you and builds a bridge of connection between you and others.

If you've ever seen a detective and suspect interview, you'll notice criminals rarely give their name to the officer because by doing so you open yourself up to influence. So offering your name is an act of vulnerability (which is good if you're trying to connect with someone but not if a policeman is in front of you asking why you were caught on CCTV last night stealing the cash register from the local bakery whilst wearing a latex balaclava).

To be practical here, the easiest way I've found to mention your name in a conversation is if you're telling a story or talking about your relationship with others.

For example...

Imagine you're halfway through a conversation and someone asks you...

"Are you close with your mum?"

"Yeah we've got a great relationship. Although she's always complaining "Lewis, do this, Lewis do that!" Which is the only downside to having a caring mum."

The coolest way I've heard of someone mentioning their name in an interaction was when the negotiation expert Chris Voss went into a store to buy something and asked the cashier if they had any discounts for the item.

"No sorry" the lady behind the counter responded.

"Well my name's Chris," he replied "you got any Chris discounts?"

The lady laughed, spoke to her manager and processed a discount.

So remember;

- To connect better with others, and when you can, mention your name to humanise yourself.

- When you learn someone else's name, don't use it in every sentence (I'd say once every 5 sentences). But do what feels natural. And of course use their name in necessary circumstances like getting their attention etc.

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation...

3.) Success

It's helps to have a definition of success. Otherwise you might spend the rest of your life chasing someone else's definition.

Here's my definition...

Success = being completely where you are and not wishing you were somewhere else.

What's your definition of success?

Finally, here's a note to self I tweeted this week...

You've got to stop wanting results so quickly. Treat quick results with suspicion even. Just figure out what you want. Let go of everything else. Then keep your head down, mouth closed and just keep stacking days. Then results will come. When? Who knows. But they'll come.

That's all for this week.

Thanks for reading,

Lew

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