Amigos and amigas...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

1 mental health tip

1 social skills tip

1 personal reflectionLet's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

‍1.) Completion vs Maintenance

‍When I started my youtube channel in late 2023, I didn't care about views or subscribers.

Sure it was nice to see the numbers increase overtime, but I started making videos because I had so many book notes I wanted to share with people, not because I wanted views.

But at the beginning of 2024, after watching too many youtube videos about the importance of setting goals, I strayed from my initial aim and set the arbitrary goal of reaching 100,000 youtube subscribers by 2025.

I hit that goal by August 2024.

‍But I felt depressed and lost the day after I achieved it.

‍Yes, seeing the number 99,999 turn to 100,000 was great.

But I was then struck with the existential question of; "well now that's done, wtf do I do now?"

‍It took me 6 months to fully recover and finally answer that question.

And I was able to answer that question after going on a walk one day and realising; I had a completion mindset. That's why I felt miserable.

‍The bottom line...

‍The greatest trick the human mind plays is to convince you if you try hard enough at something you can complete it forever.

- If you go to the gym enough, one day you’ll have the perfect physique and never have to workout again.

- If you improve yourself enough, you’ll complete the game of self improvement and won't have to self-develop anymore.

- If you get into a relationship with the right person, you'll finally escape the worries of relationship problems.

- If you work hard enough, you’ll earn enough money to never worry about working again.

‍But completion is an illusion.

It's the worm that gnaws away at each of our hearts, causing life to feel like a drag, drain and defeating blow each day we slug ourselves towards the release of our tasks.

To put it simply, the illusion of completion causes disaster because it's just not how life works.

‍After all, it's an illusion.

‍Life, habits, hobbies, relationships, productivity, progress; these are all things that can never be completed. They can only be maintained.

‍For example:

- Having the completion mindset of "wanting to get into a relationship" is what causes you to slack off after you achieve it and become a neglectful partner.

- Having the completion mindset of "wanting to get ripped in the gym" is what causes you to stop training as soon as you get a six pack.

‍So here lies the alternative to completion...

From now until you the day you die, your job isn’t to set goals but to create a lifestyle you'd still follow even if you were to live forever.

Let's call it; a lifestyle of maintenance.

- A lifestyle of maintenance is a collection of habits you want to wake up to and never want to complete.

- A lifestyle of completion is a collection of habits you dread waking up to and you'd do anything to complete.

‍For example, having a maintenance mindset is what motivates you to...

- Work through conflict with your partner because you want to continue to be in a healthy relationship.

- Follow an enjoyable workout programme because you want to work out everyday.

‍The bigger picture...

‍Take one of the most popular books in recent years; atomic habits.

‍It's sold millions of copies and has been translated into dozens of languages.

But why is it so popular?

It's popular because the book argues against setting goals and offers us relief from the constricting mindset of completion.

‍In the book, James Clear argues there are 4 reasons why goals suck...

- Problem #1: Winners and losers have the same goals.

- Problem #2: Achieving a goal is only a momentary change.

- Problem #3: Goals restrict your happiness (lol, don't they just).

- Problem #4: Goals are at odds with long-term progress.

‍But the book doesn't offer the alternative of; "do away with all striving towards progress and waste your life away on a beach."

‍Instead, it offers an alternative that is rooted in a mindset of maintenance; habits.

Habits are how you create your lifestyle of maintenance because they force you to do away with the idea of completion and something in Zen Buddhism known as the “gaining idea”.

‍Here's an excerpt from one of my favourite books zen mind, beginner's mind explaining this further:

‍"As long as you think "I am doing this," or "I have to do this," or "I must attain something special," you are actually not doing anything. When you give up, when you no longer want something, or when you do not try to do anything special, then you do something. When there is no gaining idea in what you do, then you do something."

- Shunryu Suzuki

As soon as I set the goal of reaching 100k subscribers, I'd signed a contract with myself to be unhappy until I achieved it, happy on the day I achieved it, then unhappy again as soon as the celebrations died down.

Not to mention it got in the way of my initial purpose of starting the channel; to share practical knowledge with you guys so you can improve your lives.

‍How funny the problems we create for ourselves.

‍As Alan Watts humorously said...

‍“You make your troubles, and you put yourself into a trap. You confuse yourself, and forget that you did it, and then ask how to get out of it!”

Life started to feel meaningful again as soon as I began waking up to a lifestyle I never wanted to end. A lifestyle in which I wasn't setting goals, but occupying my time doing things I wanted to do forever; like making content with no expectations.

Finally, to make this practical, here are some things for you to consider over the next week...

‍Think of a pursuit in your life you’ve convinced yourself you can complete:

- Money

- Working out

- Relationships

- Or a goal you've set

‍Then ask:

- How would my relationship with this thing change if I knew I could never complete it but I still chose to pursue it?

- Would I feel lighter?

- Might I approach it differently?

- Would I still want to pursue it or would I want something different?

- How could I incorporate a sense of achievement into my everyday life rather than just when I achieve a goal?

‍Ask these to help you create your lifestyle of maintenance:

- How can I create a lifestyle I want to wake up to everyday?

- What habits would that lifestyle include?

- How can I make those habits as easy as possible to do?

- How can I make those habits as attractive as possible?

- What things are keeping me trapped in a completion mindset?

- How can I not just achieve this thing I want but also maintain it?

‍Remember: trade your completion mindset for a maintenance mindset by creating a lifestyle you never want to end.

‍Extra material:

- Defo read atomic habits if you haven't already.

- I did a full habit formation guide 6 months ago, check it out here.

- Check out Simon Sinek's book the infinite game.

- For some lighter reading before bed (and the source of the zen quote above) read; zen mind, beginner's mind by Shunryu Suzuki (it's one of my favourite books).

‍Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Reduce your nods

It sounds silly, but a ridiculously easy way to come across as more charismatic is to stop nodding so much when people are talking to you.

Why does this matter?

Because conveying charisma involves 2 things:

Warmth and power

To convey power; move slowly, don’t dart your eyes and head around quickly like a nervous cocaine addict.

‍Instead:

- Reduce your nods from 10x every sentence someone says to 1x whenever you find what the other person is saying interesting.

- And when you do nod, nod slowly (around 1 second long is a good speed).

‍This does 2 things:

1.) It prevents you from coming across as desperate for the other persons approval (“yes! I’m nodding! Can’t you see how much I like you?!?”).

2.) It still conveys interest to the other person.Move slow coco.

(We'll cover a whole section on charisma in the upcoming social skills course).

Go deeper:

- Chris Williamson is the perfect example of the slow nod.

- He times it perfectly to encourage his guest to speak more without coming across as desperate.

- Check out this episode and watch how he does it.

‍Now let’s finalise with this week’s personal realisation…

‍3.) Pseudo preparation

‍4 days ago I got slapped round the face.

Not literally, but philosophically, by Nicolas Nassim Taleb.

I was reading his book of aphorisms, the bed of procrustes, and he wrote…

‍"If the professor is not capable of giving a class without preparation, don't attend. People should only teach what they have learned organically, through experience and curiosity... or get another job."

As a creator who has relied heavily on notes to create content, I felt disgusted, regretful but also excited.

I felt liberated to destroy my expectations of creating perfectly scripted content and to instead adopt the messier and riskier approach of unedited, full professor mode videos where I’m challenging myself to recall what I know from memory, in front of thousands of people.F

unnily enough, 3 weeks ago I tweeted something similar...

‍You can tell whether you understand something or not by how forceful you are when explaining it. The more forceful you are, the less you understand it. The calmer you are in explaining it, the more you understand it.

‍I wrote it after getting annoyed while I was recording a video.

I just couldn't seem to articulate what I wanted to say.

Then it hit me; I don't understand the topic enough.

‍Back to learning.

‍Going forward, I'm still going to make some scripted videos, but I want to make more unscripted ones after the slap from Taleb. It hurt, but I agree with him.

‍My question to you...

- What’s a topic you think you could give an hour long lecture on in front of a whiteboard?

I wanna hear it.

😈

That's all for this week.

Thank you for reading.

Lew

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