Amigos and amigas!

I'm currently sat swatting away mosquitos in an airbnb in Mexico City.

There's a window in front of me with the sun beaming through.

3 Mexican construction workers are laughing and joking outside whilst cat calling the gringos who walk by.

My belly is rumbling.

I'm wearing shorts.

I'm typing this.

I feel happy. Calm. Still.

Well that's the belly problem solved.

I hope no matter what situation in life you find yourself in, you remember that your stillness is always there. You just need to peel back the distractions that get piled on top.

But enough of the sun induced Mexican philosophy!

In other news...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

- 1 mental health tip

- 1 social skills tip

- 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) The utility of deprivation

When you're facing something scary, it's natural to rely on a coping strategy that makes you feel less afraid.

For example:

- Alcohol gives you instant relief from social anxiety.

- Going to a new event with a friend can make you feel less awkward.

- Using dating apps is an easy way to avoid the frightening idea of meeting people in real life.

- Rehearsing what you want to say 10x before starting a conversation with a native in that language you're learning can help you feel more prepared.

But what if by relying on these coping strategies you're actually stunting your potential to be more confident and learn new skills?

This is exactly what the idea of 'the utility of deprivation' suggests and it's best summarised by a quote from the social anxiety expert Gillian Butler...

"If you avoid something you cannot learn that it is, despite what one might think about it, harmless."

But hold on a second...

You might be confused about the mention of the word "avoid" and be thinking "but Lewis, in the examples above, the person is still facing the thing they're afraid of. Right?".

Correct.

They are facing it.

Kinda. 🥴

By relying on something to help you cope with the fear rather than embracing it fully, you rob yourself of the opportunity to realise...

Even without your coping mechanisms, you're more than capable of facing this thing.

And that's where true confidence is built.

To return to the examples above:

- When you stop drinking alcohol to soothe your social anxiety and instead embrace the feeling of anxiety completely -you realise; even when you feel socially anxious you're still able to function and most people don't notice.

- After going to a social event alone and then taking the initiative to start conversations without relying on a friend, not only do you feel more proud of yourself but your confidence to do the same next time sky rockets.

- By deleting dating apps and instead going to a social activity such as dancing or poetry reading twice a week, you not only increase your chances of actually meeting someone with similar interests but you build the skill of putting yourself out there.

- By throwing yourself in at the deep end and starting conversations on the fly with natives, you not only expose yourself to the language more but you develop your fluid conversational skills more than you could rehearsing the same sentence alone in your room.

A slightly egotistical example from me:

- As mentioned, I'm currently in Mexico City, travelling Latin America alone.

- But 2 days ago, as I was stood on the train in London bound for Heathrow airport, I saw 2 girls my age with their backpacks on, clearly travelling together.

- So part of me started to feel sad at the thought of me being alone instead of with a friend, but then I remembered the utility of deprivation and realised...

- Because I'm alone, I'm going to be 100% self-reliant. Everything is on me; the friends I make, experiences I have, bookings, travelling, logistics etc.

- I have no one else to rely on.

- And that felt incredibly freeing.

- So my ego started to feel sorry for the 2 girls because of the skill of independence and opportunities for confidence they're going to miss out on by not travelling alone.

- Let's call this my toxic trait 😭☠️.

So to make this point practical AF, here's my challenge for you:

- Think of an area in your life where you feel you have to rely on a coping strategy in order to do it.

- It could be; starting social interactions, before you do a particular task, before you have difficult conversations etc.

- And the next time you do it, purposefully don't do your coping mechanism and see what happens.

- Note...

- Do you notice the world doesn't end?

- Do you realise you actually don't need this coping strategy?

- How much more capable do you now feel to do this thing knowing you don't have to rely on your coping strategy?

Go deeper:

- Feel free to check out Gillian Butler's book overcoming social anxiety and shyness. It's pretty heavy and there's a lot mentioned, but if you want a deep dive that's what I'd recommend.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Ask them about a personal item

Yesterday I was training calisthenics in the lovely parque Mexico in Mexico City.

I'd arrived an hour before and thought I'd get a quick workout in before checking into my airbnb.

The sun was shining at a perfect 25 degrees, kids were playing opposite me and the pull up bars were swamped with brown skinned latin men.

"Perfect" I thought. "I haven't spoken to anyone today besides the uber driver, so let's make some friends."

But then a new guy turned up and placed his orange juice and plastic bag (with some weird brown substance in it) down right next to me.

He looked as if he'd been sunbathing all his life, had dark black hair and had two piercings above his left eyebrow. He seemed in great shape but didn't exactly look dressed for a workout; wearing jeans, a black shirt and thick black construction boots.

So I caught eyes with him and went to nod the international sign of "hey what's up" but he completely blanked me.

And to add insult to injury, he then put his earphones in and continued to frown while doing his workout.

"Ah well." I said to myself. "Opportunity gone. I guess this'll be a solo workout."

So as the next 10 minutes go by, feeling slightly uncomfortable at the thought of having to share this tiny space in the park with this man for the foreseeable future, I channel that social rejection into doing as many pull ups as I can.

But I just couldn't help but be fascinated by what that brown substance was in his little plastic bag.

"Drugs?" I theorised. "A special Mexican pre workout I don't know about yet? What! What could this possibly be!"

So without thinking about it, and as he finishes his current set of pull ups and wonders over to me to take a drink of his orange elixir, I point towards his mysterious little bag and ask: "que tienes en tu bolsa?" (what do you have in your bag?).

But he doesn't hear me.

2-0 Mexico.

"Well of course he doesn't hear you div brain, he's got earphones in." I reassure myself.

So now stood at this social crossroads, deciding whether to accept a second defeat and leave this man in peace or ask my question louder, I hold my hand up to signal I'm no foe and just a clueless British man intrigued by a plastic bag, smile and then ask the question again.

"Que tienes en tu bolsa?"

This time he hears me, smiles, takes his earphones out and spends the next 30 minutes talking to me about his life.

His name was Nathan, he's from Mexico City and is currently training to be a pro wrestler.

We exchanged numbers and he suggested we should meet up to go to a Mexican block party soon and dance Cumbia.

Distillation...

If you want to start a conversation with someone but you're unsure how, just look at a personal item they have and ask a question about it.

Bonus points if you're actually curious about the personal item, but remember you don't have to be too curious about it. You just need to ask the question to get the conversation started.

Give it a try this week ;).

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation...

3.) Curiosity

It's not goals vs process, it's; just follow your curiosity, endlessly.

Thank you for reading,

Until next week.

Lew

P.s. Thank you for all your responses to the social skills survey! And if you are from Latin America or live there, let me know. I could be travelling to your town soon via horseback (lol what a scene).

Quote of the week:

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