Amigos and amigas!

The big 3 newsletter is here!

- 1 mental health tip

- 1 social skills tip

- 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) Life Tax

You cannot escape paying the taxes of life.

- Dealing with difficult people is the tax you pay for leaving your house.

- Dealing with conflict is the tax you pay for entering a relationship.

- Feeling grief for losing someone to death or a breakup is the tax you pay for love.

- Delays are the tax you pay for taking public transport.

- Theft is the tax you pay for owning possessions.

Since the beginning of time people have complained about the taxes of life. But where has it gotten them? Has it solved any of their problems? Has it really brought them tranquility?

As we learn from the letters of the stoic philosopher Seneca writing to his friend Lucilius...

“All the things which cause complaint or dread are like the taxes of life—things from which, my dear Lucilius, you should never hope for exemption or seek escape.”

But perhaps there are some taxes we can escape?

For example:

- The tax of dealing with difficult people = you could become a hermit.

- The tax of delays in public transport = you could save up enough money to buy a car.

- The tax of people gossiping about you due to your popularity = you could choose to work anonymously.

So in that case; never forget the freedom you have to change the things you’re complaining about. But if you choose not to change them, don't complain.

Or in the words of the stoic philosopher Epictetus...

“But my nose is running!' What do you have hands for, idiot, if not to wipe it? 'But how is it right that there be running noses in the first place?' Instead of thinking up protests, wouldn't it be easier just to wipe your nose?”  

Finally, and for all taxes that can't be avoided (death, sickness, aging etc.) there's no reason to be angry at the fact they exist. The only thing you have to worry about is how you respond to them.

In the words of Ryan Holiday...

"So what are you going to focus on? That you owe something, or that you are lucky enough to own something that can be taxed?"

Pay the unavoidable taxes of life gladly. And if there's an avoidable tax you'd like to escape, do so.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Assertiveness

If you struggle being assertive (being upfront with people, embracing conflict or otherwise just admitting what you truly want to others without coiling in fear) consider this mindset shift…

Being assertive is one of the most loving things you can do.

It’s a virtue that communicates “I care about our relationship so much I’m willing to be fully honest with you about what I think and feel. Because the alternative is deception, which I know will destroy our relationship in the long run.”

I’ve struggled with assertiveness for most of my adult life, hence I write about it so much.

But the more I research it the more I realise all of the little communication hacks and ways to frame your sentences to "be more assertive" are only bonuses. To truly be assertive you have to believe in the virtue of assertion.

In other words, you have to believe in the use of assertion as a force for good. Instead of seeing it as a scary thing other people hate because you’re stepping on their toes.

The most practical way to do this?

Realise: you don't have to like conflict. You just have to prefer short term conflict to delayed long term conflict.

To demonstrate this, consider which one sounds worse; the short term conflict or delayed long term conflict...

Short term conflict = admitting what you genuinely think in the moment.

Delayed long term conflict = biting your tongue and putting on a facade in the relationship that slowly drains your energy over time until you lose your sense of self and start feeling depressed.

Short term conflict = checking someone on the way they're speaking to you.

Delayed long term conflict = letting their behaviour slide and creating a relationship dynamic in which they continue to belittle you and degrade your self esteem.

Short term conflict = telling someone you think they're making a bad decision but still letting them make their choice instead of pressuring them to agree with you.

Delayed long term conflict = not telling them what you think for fear of upsetting them only to see them make the decision, it turn out terribly then you live with the regret of not stepping in sooner and warning them.

Remember...

You have a moral obligation to be assertive.

Also, your time is limited. You and everyone else will die soon. So don't waste your life choking on your own words. Get them out. Assert yourself. You and others will thank you for it.

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation...

3.) Theorise more:

- If there's anything you don’t understand, resist the urge to ask someone else or technology to explain it to you straight away.

- Instead, think hard to break it apart then try and build it together again so YOU understand it in terms of a theory.

- ⁠Then test your theory with an expert or the internet.

- If your theory was right = celebrate.

- If your theory was wrong = celebrate.

Thank you for reading,

Until next week.

Lew

P.s. if you want to make the social skills content I upload more specific to your social skills struggles, answer these 7 questions here (4 mins):

https://docs.google.com/forms/d/e/1FAIpQLScc1gCvQ6I5dInGvhsKCUMyuCFhY10IpV3fqNoI9NNM9gWS9g/viewform?usp=dialog

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