Amigos and amigas,

I’m currently sat on a train bound for London.

A tired looking man is sat in the other isle to my right, hunched over his laptop while scratching his head as if that’s going to help him solve what he’s thinking about.

I wonder what’s on his mind.

Family problems? Work issues? Existential stress?

The sun is beaming through my side of the window and bouncing off his bald head. Maybe that's what's causing the itch.

Meanwhile an Arabic man with a big belly has just sat down opposite me. He seems confused and keeps looking over my shoulder.

A tourist?

Let me ask him and see.

...

Yep, he's a tourist. Turns out he's missed his stop to Balham (which we passed 2 stops ago). Hopefully me asking if he needs help has made him feel less alone in this big, new, scary city.

Anyway…

I’m bound for London because I’ve just got back from Barcelona.

Meeting a friend. Dancing salsa. Eating tapas.

It feels good to be back on home soil though.

So seeing as I’ve been out of my usual routine this week, here’s what we’re gonna do…

This week we’re going to take a short break from our usual 'the big 3' newsletter structure and distill a collection of principles, quotes and ideas I've been excited to share with you.

Some include elaboration, some don’t.

So as always, absorb what’s useful, discard what's not and add what's uniquely your own.

Let's begin in the realm of work...

1.) Things always take longer than you think. Even when you take that into account.

I wish this wasn't true 🙃.

Put it this way; building a solid career takes around 10 years.

You're either in it for the long run or not.

Work hard, but don't expect quick results. (Better yet; disdain them).

A practical example of this is when I started my youtube channel someone gave me the advice of deciding on a "maximum timeframe" before expecting to see any results.

For example, you might say "I'm going to work at this thing for 3 years before I expect to see any results. If after 3 years I don't see  results, I'll stop."

Account for something to take a long time, and then remember it'll probably take longer.

A similar thought from Alex Hormozi; "success comes down to doing the obvious thing for an extraordinary period of time, without convincing yourself that you're smarter than you think you are."

2.) Hard work is hard, hence it's called "hard work".

I work around 3 hours a day.

But those 3 hours can be hell.

I'm learning, writing, reading, listening and thinking about difficult topics that require all of my focus.

Most of the time I'm not in a flow state.

I'm nose to the grindstone, wrestling with whatever is in front of me.

But sometimes I make it harder by expecting things to be easier than they are.

This goes for all skills:

- Sometimes I expect to be able to improve my Spanish without making mistakes.

- Sometimes I imagine being able to dance any salsa move perfectly at first try.

- At times I expect making a great video or digital product to involve no tension, only ease.

But the problem with this mindset isn't just that it's unrealistic but that it misses the point.

The joy of learning a new skill or doing something hard comes from the fact it's hard. If it were easy, you wouldn't feel that feeling of accomplishment after having achieved it.

So the key takeaway here is; when learning something new or working towards something hard, always lean into what you find most difficult. Because if you conquer that thing, you'll 10x your learning and self-esteem and you'll be working with the nature of reality.

If it's hard:

- 1.) Lean into it

- 2.) Keep telling yourself "I can improve" while reciting this mantra; "this is what hard feels like. And this is where most people quit." (to quote Hormozi again).

3.) If you want recognition or rewards for what you do, you don't love doing it. (Jiddu Krishnamurti)

This is going to contradict the first principle but f*ck it, we ball.

I came across this idea (anonymous creativity) a year ago and still haven't recovered.

Really go into it, and you'll always see its true.

Anything you do for reward shows a lack of true creativity, love and passion.

Keep chasing that feeling of doing things as an ends not a means.

Keep chasing it.

P.s. the bonus of chasing that feeling? = rewards come quicker. (But only if you chase that feeling.)

Now moving into the realm of relationships...

4.) No one knows what you want until you tell them.

When I was 19 I used to work on a construction site.

My boss was an asshole. But one day he said something I'll never forget.

He set me a plumbing task to do by myself, but 3 hours later I'd made 0 progress.

Not only did I not know how to do it, I didn't want to tell him I didn't know because I thought he'd shout at me.

So after he came to check up on me 3 hours in and saw I'd done nothing, he asked why until I finally admitted I didn't know how to do it.

"Lewis," he sighed "I'm no more of a mind reader than you. If you don't know how to do something, how am I supposed to know unless you tell me?"

So from that day on I've tried my best to not assume other's can hear the conversation I'm having with myself in my head.

Takeaway: make sure you treat other people as completely ignorant to what you want and realise it's your responsibility to tell them.

Not getting what you want in a relationship? The other person probably doesn't know what you want.

But why is it so hard to admit what you want?

- 1.) Most of the time what you want isn't actually what you want (plus; rare is the human who actually knows what he/she wants).

- 2.) Admitting what you want means you're aware of when you're not getting it (which is painful).

So don't assume others can read your mind and instead just do your best to keep yourself and others in the know about your desires.

Do that and I promise your relationships will improve.

5.) Love isn't enough.

More love is often used to fix a toxic relationship, compensate for a lack of respect or paper over fragile boundaries.

But usually what more love achieves is fuelling you with a false sense of motivation by convincing you someone "is the right person" despite their raging narcissistic personality disorder and the constant abuse they throw at you.

I've loved someone before and ended the relationship due to a lack of alignment in our values. If love was enough I'd have ignored all the red flags that made me feel uncomfortable and I'd still be with her today.

So what else is important in a relationship besides love?

- Respect

- Communication

- Confidence

- Alignment in your values (you're both looking in the same direction)

- A shared growth mindset

Anything else you'd add?

Note: I've still got a lot to learn in this context. This is all a huge note to self.

Feel free to take this one step further and weigh up any connection with these questions:

- If someone told you you’re a lot like your partner, would this be a compliment to you?  

- Are you truly fulfilled or just less lonely?

- Are you able to be unapologetically yourself or do you feel the need to show up differently to please your partner?

- Are you in love with who your partner is right now as a whole, or are you only in love with their good side, their potential, or the idea of them?

- Would you want your future/imagined child to date someone like your partner?

6.) "If you find any reason why you and someone are friends, you are not friends." - Nicolas Nassim Taleb

I don't want to admit this is true but in my experience it is.

For my best friends, I genuinely cannot think of reasons as to why they're my friends other than "I love them".

Sometimes finding reasons for a friendship is cope for a lack of connection.

7.) More relationships have been ruined by false niceties than honest assertion.

Your honesty is a filter.

Some people will receive it and run for the hills. Others will see it as an invitation to come closer to you.

In either case, it's a win.

Now let's cover some principles in the realm of the self...

8.) No exceptions; all screen usage is linked to less happiness.

I also wish this wasn't true considering how easy it is to scroll.

But the 30 second neuroscience is this...

Your brain has a limited source of dopamine each day. So your main task in life is to channel what activities you allocate your dopamine towards.

- Option 1 = slow dopamine (things that require potential pain first but longer lasting pleasure e.g. reading, working out, studying, walking in nature, conversing etc.)

- Option 2 = fast dopamine (things that give you instant unearned rewards e.g. junk food, scrolling etc.)

Allocate your energy towards option 1 more often than not and you'll live a life well lived.

And when you fall for the lure of option 2, forgive yourself. Because you're just a monkey trying to fight a battle with bright objects that give you the dopamine release equivalent to 27 fertile mates turning up to your ancestor's village with each one holding a KFC bargain bucket.

9.) What you hate in others you hate in yourself.

I have yet to be in a situation where I've realised this isn't true.

10.) Some ideas die as soon as you tell people about them.

Got a plan for something you'd like to do but haven't made any moves towards it yet?

Tell someone about it and see what happens.

Most of the time you'll notice your motivation to do the thing decreases and reality runs away from you as the idea gathers momentum in your mind and in the minds of those you've told it to.

But not momentum in a positive sense.

Momentum in the sense that the idea snowballs and that positive feeling you get from imagining it is now fighting for the resources you need to actually do it.

Not to mention if your plan changes, the people you told it to will ask "wait, what? I thought you were going to do this _____?"

So now you've struck with a double karmic problem.

- Processing your own guilt for a lack of momentum.

- Tackling the expectations other's have built in their minds about your plan.

So here's the takeaway:

- Only reveal your plans to others when you've got skin in the game (e.g. you've launched the thing, booked the ticket, asked the person etc.)

That way you'll hold yourself more accountable to the idea and if you change your mind before making the plunge, you won't have to worry about letting other people know.

11.) Fortune favours the bold.

Why?

I think it's because hardly anyone takes initiative but everyone loves when someone finally does.

Shoot your shot.

Ask for the number.

Quit the job.

Book the flight.

Say yes.

Figure it out.

And when you do so, you'll feel the inertia of the whole universe on your side.

But you must go first. The universe can't make that first jump for you.

12.) Cynicism isn't intelligent, it's just an absence of thinking.

"There's nothing true in a quick response." - Kapil Gupta

If you really take the time to think in response to something someone says or does, you'll realise it's hard to actually think in a way that takes everything into consideration.

So what's the easier alternative?

Dismiss it.

As Carl Jung said "thinking is incredibly difficult, hence most people judge."

So the next time someone responds instantly to something with a shut-down, think twice before taking that as a sign of intelligence. They might just be defaulting to ease.

13.) The mind wants to put everything in a box. Take it out and you'll find peace.

Names, numbers, time, places, countries, things, words are constructions.

They don't exist in reality but only within the mind.

I can't eat a word. I can't taste a number. I can't feel a name.

See things for what they are (illusions pointing at the real thing) and most of the mind's problems will dissolve.

As the saying goes, your self is in the way.

Or; zen buddhism is a finger pointing towards the moon. Don't mistake the finger for the moon.

14.) All skills are perishable.

It's your job to maintain them.

(Yes. That goes for your social skills as well).

15.) If negative self-talk is so helpful for behaviour change, why haven't you changed yet?

So why not try self-compassion for a change? :)

16.) You're free to do whatever you want. You need only face the consequences.

Sorry to be condescending, but please read that again.

Then again.

17.) If they wrote it to make money, don't read it. (Naval Ravikant)

(Linked to the anonymous creativity idea).

18.) Never take advice that benefits the advice giver.

🫡

19.) "Each ordinary moment is an opportunity to make the future easier or harder." - Shane Parrish

Simple, but damn does this highlight every moment as crucial.

That's all for now.

Let me know which one's (if any) stood out to you.

Back to the normal big 3 structure next week.

Thank you for reading,

Lew

Quote of the week:

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