This is why you haven't beaten your addictions yet

Since the age of 18 I’ve experienced addiction on and off.

The two major things I’ve battled with have been technology and porn addiction.

When I was 18 I discovered nofap and instantly discovered the gruelling pain of battling with a 5 year old habit. It took me around 90 days of constantly relapsing but in the summer of 2018 I beat the addiction for good, and over the next 3 years got into a long-term relationship and really got my life on track.

But then after that relationship ended I found myself succumbing to the addiction again in order to relieve stress. I was shocked, annoyed and a bit worried that after all this time I was relapsing again. So in 2022 I found myself at an existential cross roads in life and began numbing myself with technology use, scrolling for 8 hours a day and using it as a way to avoid uncomfortable emotions of loneliness and depression inside.

Over the years I’ve also seen numerous close friends and family members fall prey to addictions, robbing some of those friends of talents they once had and ambition that could’ve got them far in life. Now they’re smoking their sorrows away to numb themselves of living a boring life.

So I’ve been able to observe the effects of addiction not only in myself but in those close to me over the years, which sparked my interest to study the topic academically. I frequently read about the topic and have learned numerous things about it both psychologically and neuroscientifically.

But in the past week I’ve learned some new things which have literally blown my mind, and are also practical to use.

So this is what we’re going to cover in this week's letter.

Overview on addiction: (time murdering)

In his podcast with Robert Greene, Andrew Huberman spoke about the concept of "time murdering".

He described it as: "the false sublime", arising from our desire to slow down time and escape the feeling of finitude and mortality.

In other words...

Addictions give us the opportunity to escape the reality that one day we will die and instead convince us we have all the time in the world.

So why not light up another joint, have another drink or spend the day scrolling?

Well, because one day you'll wake up and reflect on all the time and health you've wasted.

And then your attempts to "slow down time" will crumble right before your eyes, cascading your sense of self into a debilitating pit of despair, regret and chaos.

This is an interesting concept when you consider we use phrases like "killing time" and it also aligns with early psychoanalytic theories from Sigmund Freud.

The death drive:

In the early 20th century Freud proposed a controversial theory after he noticed traumatised children, and soldiers returning from WW1, would re-enact or relive their trauma through their dreams. He coined the theory “death drive” or Todestrieb in German and famously said “The goal of all life is death.”

Freud argued us humans have two motivating drives within us; the drive towards pleasure and avoidance of pain and the drive for pain and destruction.

The death drive was later termed ’Thanatos’ and the pleasure principle coined ‘Eros’ by later psychologists. Thanatos being the greek mythological representation of death and eros being the god of love and self-preservation.

The death drive theory holds weight in the context of addiction as we try to piece together why we feel such an urge to do something we know is bad for us. Something we know will ruin our lives and wreck havoc on our health.

In light of the death drive we can interpret such urges of self-destruction as the goal within itself, perhaps a form of self-sabotage and an indication of an imbalance between our pleasure seeking principle and death drive.

And it turns out this century old theory holds weight when combined with recent discoveries in neuroscience.

The neuroscience of wanting vs liking:‍

I recently read an article on Psyche.com that shows you can want things you don't like and like things you don't want.

Around the 1980s the neuroscientist Kent Berridge showed how our mechanisms for wanting and liking something are different and are governed by different chemicals and regions of the brain.

Wanting is described as the motivation or urge you have to go after a reward whereas liking is the pleasure from the experience itself.

In the 1980s most neuroscientists believed dopamine was responsible for all pursuit of reward.

But Berridge conducted an experiment on rats where he blocked their dopamine circuitry in their brain and noticed they stopped eating, having sex and pursuing any reward. However, in another experiment, he did the same but began to monitor the rats’ facial expressions when given food. Because it turns out rats show the same facial expressions as us humans when liking something such as licking their lips and sticking their tongue out or gaping in disgust when they dislike something. So Berridge predicted the rats would change from liking the food to disliking it due to their depletion of dopamine.

But Berridge noticed that when the rats’ dopamine circuitry was blocked, they showed no motivation to pursue sweet food, and in fact had to be hand fed to stay alive, but showed facial expressions of liking the sweet food once they ate it.

So it was at this point Berridge knew the way we were looking at wanting and liking was wrong.

Dopamine is what drives wanting through the anticipation of rewards but not because of our enjoyment of them. It’s been said that dopamine is like an excellent salesman but comes without a conscience.

Both wanting and liking are governed by a part of the brain called the nucleus accumbens which is comprised of two key areas; one governing motivation and the other governing pleasure.

By increasing dopamine you can motivate a rat to pursue something harmful, like an electric probe, and just by increasing a rat’s motivation to pursue something doesn’t increase the pleasure they derive from that thing.

Berridge coined the parts of the nucleus accumbens which is responsible for liking something ‘hedonic hotspots’ and highlighted they take up around 10% of that brain regions geography. Whereas the wanting system is much more robust and takes up around 90%. Simply because from an evolutionary standpoint, wanting aids our survival more than liking.

So have you noticed yourself want something despite not liking it?

In the context of addiction, this is exactly how it plays out.

As we engage a behaviour more and more, we start to derive less pleasure from it however our drive to pursue it increases, resulting in a mismatch between our wanting and liking systems.

So the key is to realise; not giving in to something you want does not necessarily mean robbing yourself of something you will like.

We might feel an overwhelming urge to scroll our phones, convinced there will be a large pay off for doing so, but with what we’ve just covered in mind we can remember this craving could be misleading, and we’ll likely feel underwhelmed in the end.

Conversely, we can recognise when we don’t feel the drive to do something such as socialise or go for a run that doesn’t necessarily mean we won’t like our experience.

So now we’ve covered a bit of the neuroscience behind addiction, let’s have a quick look at what evolutionary psychology has to say about it.

The evolutionary psychology of addiction:

Essentially, the pattern of addiction is a pattern of learning (reward and punishment).

As we expose ourselves to the addictive thing, our brain learns to reinforce our pursuit of the behaviour which precedes attaining the addictive substance through spikes in dopamine.

The more something seems to aid our biological fitness, the more likely we are to do it.

So the dopamine spiking substances or behaviours we encounter in our modern world such as drugs or technology designed to keep us hooked, are like a terrorist dressed as a pilot hijacking a pilot’s cockpit in a plane. But the terrorist skips the navigation systems and goes straight for the joy stick. These substances do the same to our brain’s reward circuitry.

What ev psych teaches us is there is no wonder we fall prey to addictions due to the biological mismatch there is between our biological hardwiring and the pleasures of the modern world.

To illustrate this, imagine being in a dark room alone and you’re told you’ll have to spend the rest of your days there.

Then imagine someone slides heroin under the door which gives your reptilian brain the feedback of biological fitness equivalent to having 16 grandchildren. Would you take it? Probably.

Drugs and addictive behaviours weren’t an issue for our ancestors as they weren’t available.

So it seems our two options to conquer addiction here would be:

1.) Remove the learning system (which would be futile because learning is useful)

2.) Return to living how our ancestors lived (which is just as unrealistic as point 1)

In essence, our evolution didn’t account for addictive substances. It instead made normal rewards regulated.

For example, after eating too much you feel satiated, after having sex you feel fulfilled and after socialising a lot you want to focus your energy elsewhere.

“Behavior regulation systems use carefully controlled bursts of positive feedback to shift behavior from one activity to another. Reward for the previous activity plummets while reward for the new one escalates. Supercues, of the sort found in modern environments, can hijack such systems. A potato chip advertisement challenges, "Betcha can't eat just one." The company wins the bet; our diets lose.” - Randolph Nesse

Lastly, ev psych highlights how our susceptibility to addiction increases with our life dissatisfaction.

People whose lives are going badly are more vulnerable to addiction, as well as those plagued by anxiety, low mood, boredom, poverty and trauma.

So now we’ve covered 3 things: Freud’s theory of the death drive & time murdering, the neuroscientific reasons why liking is different from wanting and some explanations from evolutionary psychology as to why we get addicted.

Now let’s get into the practicalities.

The 2 reasons why you haven’t beaten your addictions yet.

1.) Unpacking:

Addictions, whatever they are, have 1 thing in common. They reduce our awareness of our sense of self.

The idea of losing yourself in an addiction and “not being yourself” is spot on.

What this suggests is the addiction takes on a life of its own, compelling you further into the spiral of that behaviour. And in order to do so it hijacks your self-awareness. Because if you had enough self-awareness in each moment of temptation to scroll, smoke, drink or binge eat, you’d instantly recognise the consequences of your action.

I came across this idea of ‘unpacking’ in Chris Williamson’s podcast with Jordan Peterson 2 years ago, and it goes like this.

Imagine you’re addicted to scrolling on YouTube. You mindlessly scroll on average 3 hours a day.

But each time you finish a 3 hour bout of scrolling, you instantly put your phone down and busy yourself with something else.

And although this seems harmless, your inability to dissect what’s happening is what’s contributing to your addiction.

Because if you actually sat down and did some painstaking introspection, what you find might surprise you.

If you asked yourself the questions of why you’re scrolling so much and what actions precede you scrolling you might discover:

1.) Of an evening you feel incredibly lonely due to a lack of socialising so scrolling allows you to escape this uncomfortable feeling

2.) The actions preceding you scrolling are fatigue and stress, suggesting you’re scrolling is a coping mechanism against further uncomfortable emotions

So solution number 1 to your addiction, whatever it is, needs to be self-awareness and introspection.

You must purge your life to find out exactly why you’re hooked on this thing.

Do you drink because you’re socially anxious? Do you smoke weed because without it your life is incredibly boring? Do you watch porn because you’re terrified of approaching women in real life?

There is likely a problem at the root of your addiction which has gotten hidden beneath the addictive behaviours you’re engaging in.

So there’s 1 exercise you can do which will shed light on this, and it’s very optimistic to do:

- Firstly, sit comfortably with no distractions around you.

- Begin to allow yourself to let go of the history of your addiction, forgetting it almost

- Then imagine this…

- Suppose in the middle of the night. When you are fast asleep, a miracle happens and all the problems that you have today are solved just like that.

Since the miracle happened overnight, nobody tells you that the miracle has happened.

- So when you wake up the next morning, how would you discover that the miracle happened?

- Everything you ever wanted, everything good you could ever imagine for yourself, had actually happened!

- Your life had turned out exactly the way you want it.

- With that thought still in mind, uncover it by asking:

- What are the first things you notice? Calm surroundings, feeling healthy

- What do you (and others) notice around you? Sunshine, etc.

- Where are you? On a beach, at home, …

- Who else could be with you? Loved ones, friends, family, …

- What do you see? Bright colours, …

- What do you smell? Flowers, fresh air, food,…

- What do you hear? Laughter, familiar voices, …

- What do you feel inside yourself? Joy, peace, …

- How are you different? Relaxed, excited, happy,

Now think back in time and ask:

When have you had these positive feelings before?

When has this experience happened in the past?

What was different about you then?

What were you doing or thinking differently at that time?

What would need to happen to do this again?

How could you cope with your challenges effectively?

Are there times when you expected to use… but remembered something that helped you calm down?

What keeps you going?

Who or what is your greatest support?

What do they do that is helpful?

What could you do?

What advice would you give to someone else who has similar problems?

Then repeat this on a daily basis until the miracle becomes true.

2.) Responsibility:

“The opposite of addiction isn’t sobriety, it’s choice.” - Judith Griesel

As I mentioned at the beginning, I’ve been battling with technology addiction over the past 7 years on and off.

And the reason the battle has been on and off is because of responsibility.

My main observation is that it’s not surprising why we fall prey to addictions. So to resolve it, we must invert the problem and ask “why doesn’t everyone fall prey to addiction?”

During each period throughout my life, addiction served a purpose.

At the age of 17 porn and YouTube served the purpose of relieving stress and distracting me from facing uncomfortable emotions such as loneliness and anxiety.

At the age of 22, the same addictions distracted me from the reality I wasn’t socialising enough and how I was finding it difficult to adjust to life after a break up and moving back home after living abroad.

In those moments of addiction, I didn’t have a good enough life which gave me sufficient reason to not engage in the addictions.

For example, when I was travelling between the ages of 18-21, these addictions didn’t cross my mind once, because I was actively engaged in life and a relationship.

Between the years of late 2022-late 2023, again these addictions were banished from my life because I moved to a new city, had a solid group of friends and a stable job I was performing well in.

At the heart of my abstinence was responsibility. I was responsible for showing up well to life and taking care of myself and I knew if I doom scrolled or watched porn it would’ve messed everything up.

So the key to battling your addiction is first to understand what purpose it serves and then to give yourself solid reasons to not engage in that addiction, either because you need to perform or you’re relied upon by others.

The key is to build a life you’re not trying to escape from.

How do you do this?

Well, in the same way as you won’t be able to instil the habit of waking up early without giving yourself a reason to wake up for, so too you won’t beat your addiction if you don’t give yourself an adequate thing to replace it with.

To move beyond addiction, a person’s desire to change their life isn’t enough. Nor is the wish to do it merely for others.

The wish to live differently must be supported with interventions that can be integrated into your life, as well as providing hope for a better future.

There’s a common thought that in order to change your addiction you need to hit rock bottom. But this isn’t true. Because there are two steps you can take to beat it without hitting rock bottom.

First, you’re going to need to gradually unhook yourself off the stuff, and depending on how heavy you’ve been using, there will be a withdrawal stage of a few days you’ll need to endure.

During the withdrawal stage you’ll experience the exact opposite of the pleasure the addictive behaviour gives you.

For example, when you drink you feel lively, bubbly, less anxious. During your withdrawal you’ll feel sad, anxious, nervous and withdrawn.

When you excessively scroll on social media you feel engaged, connected and self-forgetful. When you experience withdrawal you’ll feel lonely, anxious, and groggy.

The withdrawal stage is necessary and the pain you feel is literally your brain rewiring for the better, and it gives you pain as a last ditch attempt to get you to use the addictive thing again.

Then go through the stages of Anna Lembke’s dopamine acronym to unpack the addiction:

D = Data (What the addiction involves - what is the addiction - how does it affect one's life)

O = Objectives (highlight the objectives of using - to relieve pain / anxiety etc.)

P = Problems (What are the problems associated with continual use?)

A = Abstinence (Remove the addictive thing from your life all together - this also allows one to find out if the addiction is causing mental disturbance):

M = Mindfulness (be with the pain!)

I = Insight (get feedback that the withdrawal is happening & that change is happening)

N = Next Steps (What is the plan for after your 30 days of abstinence? What are your goals?)

E = Experiment (Then re-enter the world and test what works and what doesn't - can you reintroduce the behaviour (e.g. social media) but within moderation?)

Secondly, either during this time or after, you must craft a vision for the life you want to live. Because again, you must give yourself adequate reason to not engage in short-term temptations in pursuit of a long-term vision.

Consider:

What would you like to do?

What would you like to look like and feel like?

How much money would you like to earn and have in your savings account?

What kind of relationship or family would you like to have?

What experiences would you like to have and who would you like to share them with?

If you only get to live once, what impact do you want to have while you’re here?

What kind of person do you want to be for the people in your life? How do you want to interact with them & contribute to their lives?

How would I spend my time differently if I wasn’t focused on my actions coming to fruition?

Then, if you truly want to beat this addiction and change, you must pour all your effort into building the life you want to live.

Lastly, just to banish some unrealistic thoughts you might have been fed:

Here's what you wish for and can't have:

 Happiness/relief when you deserve it.

 Freedom from fear about life's dangers and the responsibility to protect yourself.

 The ability to rescue others from addictions.

 Sometimes, the ability to stop your own addictions, without tons of struggle.

Here's what you can aim for and actually achieve:

 Judge your sobriety and self-control objectively.

 Manage behaviors you want to change rather than attack yourself for having them.

 Ignore shame, and respect yourself for what you're trying to achieve.

 Value a good effort, regardless of results.

Here's how you can do it:

Define your standards for sober behaviour.

Decide how much effort, shame, and frustration are worth enduring for the sake of change.

Accept the limits of your responsibility for having addictions so you can take more responsibility for managing them.

Get help from people who are doing the same thing but are further along, be they friends or fellow addicts at AA or NA meetings.

I wish you all the best.

Until next week muchachos ,

Lewis