7 ways to ensure everyone likes & respects you

1.) Only speak when the other person has finished

Most of us had it drilled into us from a young age to listen attentively to others and don’t be rude.

And it turns out this was good advice.

If you want the best chance at connecting with the person in front of you, you need to give them what they’ve starving for; time and patience for them to explain the inner workings of their mind.

Don’t wait anxiously to say what you want to say with the excitement of responding, potentially misconstruing everything they’re saying!

Instead, train yourself to not utter a word until the other person has said all they need to say, exposing themselves in whatever way they see fit.

This way you’ll be able to respond to what they’ve said fully and you’ll have trained yourself in the art of patience, whilst gathering invaluable information from them to bounce off of.

Speaking of bouncing off another…

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2.) Put the spotlight on others (and their good qualities)

When you do speak, get into the habit of not only learning people’s names, but focusing the attention of the conversation on them.

Notice a good quality in them? Express the vulnerability to bring it to their attention in the form of a label.

It sounds like you’re a charitable man.

It seems like you’re a very caring woman.

It looks like you’re a dedicated young chap.

Ask them open ended questions about themselves, flattering them with the opportunity to speak about their favourite topic; them.

If it’s a stranger, open the conversation with the location of where you’re at.

“So what brings you here today?”

“Well, I’ve always wanted to come to this museum but I never had the chance.”

“Jessica, just so I can understand you better, tell me, what is it about this place that interests you?”

And as you’re listening, notice the parts of themselves they willingly share, and those they’re reluctant to expose.

Because in a world where people are given enough reasons to hate themselves in comparison to others, you’ll stand as a ray of light, shining a refreshing recognition onto the not so reprehensible parts of this persons being.

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3.) Posture towards people when listening

When listening to others, don’t just cognitively listen, somatically listen.

In other words, show them you’re listening with your body!

Posture your shoulders so they’re facing theirs, maintain eye contact 90% of the time - delicately - not gazing into the recesses of their soul indicating you wanna do em, and do not, I repeat, do not do ANYTHING else whilst listening to them.

Don’t hold your phone, don’t look around, don’t sigh, don’t accidentally exhale loudly signalling your disinterest (which is basically sighing) and don’t cross your arms.

Because at the slightest hint you might not be listening, people will close off to you.

Last one about listening…

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4.) Listen to others like you’re listening to your favourite song

People need time to finish their thoughts and reach the conclusions they don’t know they’re aiming at.

And in a world where everyone is going 100 miles an hour with a rocket up their arse, limitless respect and awe is due for he who can sit one to one with someone else and allow them to outpour all they wish.

Listening to others isn’t easy, but if you approach each person as an undiscovered territory, a new world waiting to be explored, you’ll have primed your mind to not only find value and interest in what they’re saying, but you’ll want to listen.

5.) Label their pain

As Chris Voss says, don’t feel their pain, label it.

Using the labels we mentioned earlier, you must become a master at addressing the elephants in the room, taking them out of the person’s head and into a safe space.

If someone seems visibly upset with what they’re talking about, say: “it seems this is a hard topic for you.”

If someone aggressively attacks you with their words, absorb their energy and pivot with “it sounds like you feel I’ve offended you.”

And when, on the odd occasion, you cause someone pain, label with “it looks like what I said hurt you. How can we best get past this disagreement?”

Make sure others feel you understand what they’re feeling and that you know they have a right to feel whatever they feel, no matter how irrational.

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6.) Be direct

No one likes passivity.

Whether it be in negotiating, arranging, cancelling a plan or on a first date.

So, discard submissiveness and aggression and instead opt for assertiveness to help others understand what’s going on inside your head. Because remember, no one can mind read.

Scheduled an event with a friend for a week’s time but you don’t want to go?

Don’t ignore them, don’t cower from their potential rejection, instead stand firm and communicate your wants clearly.

“Hi mate, I’m going to seem like a huge flake for this but I can’t make it next week. I honestly don’t feel like going anymore and would prefer to just spend the day studying. If it’s not too much of me to ask, can we rearrange?”

Because remember, life rewards the specific ask and punishes the vague wish.

And if our date runs for the hills after we directly communicate our wants, so be it. At least we’ve saved everyone some time.

Because as we learn from the school of life:

“Most of the people we deal with would far rather face frustration head on than be sold a fine tale and then have to suffer disappointment in gradual doses.”

And “we discover the joys of simple communication when we can accept that what we want is almost never impossible for others to bear; it’s the cover-up that maddens and pains.”

7.) Talk about yourself with light-hearted vulnerability

Lastly, to be liked and respected by others, how should you talk about yourself in conversation?

Great question.

To win the hearts of others, we must be willing to expose our vulnerabilities and inadequacies.

Because in a society where looks, success, money and ambition are thrown in our face to depict others living a life of the utmost splendour, our time can only be dedicated to those who shed their bravado and show us we are alike in our human normality.

Maybe we choose to reveal our loneliness, how our mind won’t shut up 24/7, how we don’t get along with our family or how we struggle to be ambitious when really all we want is to sit in a room and read a book.

And yes, we don’t want to reveal these qualities from a place of self-pity, but with a light-hearted appreciation for ourself, nested in an understanding that, despite everything, we understand we are human and wouldn’t wish to be anything else than what we are.

Finally, expressing such vulnerability might put is in great danger.

Other people could laugh, or social media could have a field day. But that’s the point.

To allow others to resonate with us, we must share those things which in the wrong hands could be used to humiliate us.

Because as we learn from the school of life:

“Friendship is the dividend of gratitude that flows from an acknowledgement that one has offered something very valuable to someone by talking: not a fancy present, but something even more precious, the key to one’s self-esteem and dignity. It’s deeply poignant that we should expend so much effort on trying to look strong before the world, when it’s only ever the revelation of the somewhat embarrassing, sad, melancholy and anxious parts of us that is what makes us endearing to others, and transforms strangers into friends.”