Self-Image, Manipulative Praise & Free Time

Amigos!

The big 3 newsletter is here.

• 1 mental health tip
• 1 social skills tip
• 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight in.

1.) Self-image

This week I’ve been researching for an upcoming video all about how to reprogram your self-image and negative thoughts.

But if you put a gun to my head and demanded I share the 1 thing you need to do right now to reprogram your self-image, here’s what I’d say...

Leverage your brain’s positive associations.

Here's how you do it...

1.) Reflect on what you currently like about yourself and analyse the positive sensations that arise when you do so.

2.) Then focus on those same positive sensations when imagining the new traits you’d like to adopt.

For example…

Let’s imagine you like the fact that you’re kind.

So take a moment to visualise times in your life when you were kind to someone.

But while you’re replaying that situation in your head, treat it as if you’re looking at it through a camera lens with filters. Turn up the brightness, intensity and colour of that image in your head to really bring it to life.

While you’re doing this, take note of the positive sensations (also known as sensory nuances) you now feel based on your 5 senses:

• What do you see?
• What do you smell?
• What can you touch?
• What can you taste?
• What do you hear?

Note: you might just feel one or two sensations. That's fine. You don't have to feel them all, but the more the better.

If you’re struggling to think about things you like about yourself then reflect on past accomplishments of yours or compliments other people have given you.

Now, to leverage your brain's positive associations, consider the new traits you’d like to adopt and integrate them into your self-image.

Here's what that means...

Let’s imagine you want to be more confident.

Now imagine yourself being confident with the same sensory intensity you sparked when you imagined your kindness.

Tip: the more specific you can be in your imagination the better.

Imagine:

• The specific situations you'd like to be more confident in
• The specific people you'd like to be more confident around  
• The exact things you'd like to be more confident at

Essentially what you're doing is:

1.) Sparking positive sensations by reflecting on things that you've actually done that make you feel good

2.) Channeling those positive sensations towards imagining yourself in a new way

This works because association triggers your emotions - which colour your perceptions and interpretations of your environment - which leads you to react in specific ways.

Continue visualising this until your desired self-image becomes normal. Then go out into the world and confirm your self-image with action.

Remember...

To change anything in your life you need to change the way you think about it.

It's that simple. And I hope you didn't shoot me.

Stay tuned for the full video which I will upload within the next 2 weeks. We go into 90% more detail and I cannot wait to share it with you.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) How praise and compliments secretly manipulate you

One thing I’ve never understood about some of us human beings is our inability to take compliments or praise.

I’ve praised people in the past only to see them squirm and awkwardly stand there not knowing what to say. At times I thought these people were just socially awkward until I realised I don't like receiving praise either. But after reading a book called non violent communication by Marshall B. Rosenberg, I've realised it's the way we praise people that's socially awkward and incredibly unhelpful.

In the book, Rosenberg says praise is life-alienating simply because praise and compliments are judgements we make of other people while revealing little about what’s going on inside us.

The issue with most praise is it works initially until we feel the person praising us is trying to get something from us.

For example:

• Your boss’s praise of your productivity just seems like a ploy to make you work more.
• A stranger's compliment about how you're "such a good person" seems like a ploy to soften you up so they can get in your knickers.

There’s a story which illustrates how we use praise to influence others without knowing how they’re receiving it...

One day, two native Americans were sat by their horse stable.

One of them says to the other “watch me use positive psychology on my horse!” So he goes over to his horse while grinning at his friend and says, “I have the fastest and most courageous horse in the west!” But the horse looks up at the man with a sad look and says to himself; “look at that! He’s gone and bought himself another horse!”

Moral of the story:

Until you learn how to praise correctly people will wrongly receive your praise.

So here’s how to do it:

Non violent communication teaches us to praise others by celebrating the person without expecting anything in return.

To do so you must first consider; how has your life been enriched by this person?

Then you express:

1.) The actions that have contributed to your well being

2) The particular needs of yours that have been fulfilled

3.) The pleasureful feelings engendered by the fulfilment of those needs

An NVC praise sounds like this:

• “This is what you did, this is what I feel, this is the need of mine that was met."

For example:

• When you gave me a lift to work this morning, I felt relieved because I really didn't want to be late.
• When you came to visit me when I was ill, I felt loved and cared for because I had been feeling really lonely all week.
• When you listen to me without interrupting, I feel such appreciation because I don't feel like I need to rush my words to keep your attention.
• When you stayed behind to help the team out, I felt at ease because I needed to send the project to the client on time.
• Mum to son: When you put such effort into your work, I feel proud because I really want to see you succeed.

By stating the need of yours the other person has met through their action, you highlight how that need is your responsibility, not theirs.

I’ve realised that most people can’t take praise or compliments because of 2 reasons:

1.) They doubt they deserve it

2.) They fear living up to it

But by praising people through the framework above, you'll remove both of those doubts for the person whilst letting them clearly see what they've done that made you feel a certain way.

However, if you think the person you want to praise is still likely to question your intentions then consider praising something beyond that person. As demonstrated by Sufi muslims.

Some Sufi Muslims, when they want to praise you, lock thumbs with you, kiss your hand and say: "it's the god in you that allowed you to do that”. This way they can praise what happened without putting all the spotlight on you which allows you to maintain your humility.

When praising, celebrate with the person.

The truth is, most people are starved of praise. So if you give it to them, in the framework above, you can offer them some relief from their debilitating self-doubt and depression.

Below is a dialogue between Marshall Rosenberg (author of non-violent communication) and his positive challenge towards someone vaguely praising him.

Participant: (approaching him after a workshop) Marshall, you're brilliant!

MBR: I'm not able to get as much out of your appreciation as I would like.

Participant: Why, what do you mean?

MBR: In my lifetime I've been called a multitude of names, yet I can't recall seriously learning anything by being told what I am. I'd like to learn from your appreciation and enjoy it, but I would need more information.

Participant: Like what?

MBR: First, I'd like to know what I said or did that made life more wonderful for you.

Participant: Well, you're so intelligent.

MBR: I'm afraid you've just given me another judgment that still leaves me wondering what I did that made life more wonderful for you.

Participant: (thinks for a while, then points to notes she had taken during the workshop) Look at these two places. It was these two things you said.

MBR: Ah, so it's my saying those two things that you appreciate.

Participant: Yes.

MBR: Next, I'd like to know how you feel in conjunction to my having said those two things.

Participant: Hopeful and relieved.

MBR: And now I'd like to know what needs of yours were fulfilled by my saying those two things.

Participant: I have this eighteen-year-old son whom I haven't been able to communicate with. I'd been desperately searching for some direction that might help me to relate with him in a more loving manner, and those two things you said provide the direction I was looking for.

So remember...

Praise works best the more specific you can be.

When praising others, speak like a poet by moving away from vague generalities to positive specifics.

Bonus tip: praise others for their effort, not their accomplishments.

3.) Free time

This week's personal realisation is short and sweet.

"Just because you have free time doesn’t mean anyone who asks for it is entitled to it."

• Alex Hormozi

Thank you for reading.

Until next week!

Lew

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