Spawn Points, Being Genuine & Complaining

Amigos!

The big 3 newsletter is here.

• 1 mental health tip
• 1 social skills tip
• 1 personal reflection

First, let's begin with a short story...

1.) Spawn points

It’s January of 2023 and I’m walking to my local park in Bristol.

I’m heading there to train calisthenics because the park has a pull up bar, but as I approach the park I see two other guys there training.

“Ah, ok.” I think to myself. “Not a solo workout today, I’ll have to put my social hat on.”

It’s around 7am so I'm not feeling super talkative. But luck has it that one of the guys is a personal trainer and they're half way through their session.

So I open the gate to the park, which is next to a train station and has a small play area for children, I nod “good morning” to my fellow companions and begin my workout.

But little did I know the next 30 minutes would change my life forever.

The personal trainer, named Ollie, is a man in his late twenties. He has a brilliant physique and he always holds a piercing gaze when he looks at you. The last time he shook my hand he looked at me so intensely I thought he was trying to see his reflection in my eyes.

But Ollie is not your average personal trainer. He doesn’t wear gym clothes, he always dresses as if he’s going on a date and he’s always getting his clients to do the freakiest stretches I’ve ever seen.

So Ollie and his client, a middle aged man in fairly average shape, are stood next to me by the pull up bars as they're about to finish their session. But instead of finishing off with some light stretches, Ollie’s client begins speaking about his struggles with consistency. But luckily for me and him, Ollie had just the remedy.

So as if he'd been waiting for this moment his entire life, and as if he knew I was also listening to their conversation, beset with my own issues of inconsistency, Ollie turns to his client and in a calm and empathic voice says:

“Self development and consistency can be hard sometimes. I understand. But there’s a way of thinking about it which has helped me. Think about it this way…” Ollie continues, “If you became a rugby player tomorrow, regardless of whether you played for your club for 1, 2 or 10 years your primary job would be simple. You wouldn’t need to win the championship every year or achieve the greatest things a rugby player could. All you would need to do is leave the shirt you wear in a better condition than how you found it. So it is with yourself. Each day your job is to represent yourself to the best of your ability, just like a rugby player would with their shirt, so when you wake up tomorrow you can arrive into the day with strength and having already won."

Ollie's client, stood listening to Ollie's every word like a young boy listening to his father, cocks his head back and begins to process what's just been said. Until Ollie finishes with:

"You don’t need to achieve great heights. You just need to continuously represent yourself to your best.”

I'm now pretending to do my workout but secretly I'm listening to their whole conversation. And suddenly I begin to feel a sense of calmness and clarity wash over me. All of those moments when I'd felt lost, confused and lacking purpose in my life have now become laughable. But I think to myself "if only I'd have known this earlier!" until I realise what a blessing it is to know this now.

So as I grab my phone to jot down this precious wisdom so I don't forget it, Ollie's words flash through my mind again like a stroke of wind...

“Represent yourself to the best of your ability so when you wake up tomorrow you can arrive into the day with strength."

So as their conversation dies down and they’re about to walk off, I politely tell them I’d been listening to their whole conversation whilst writing it down on my phone. Ollie was pleased.

And then I shake both of their hands, thank Ollie personally, finish my workout and embrace my day with a new found purpose.

Distillation:

Although short and sweet, the story you just read literally changed my life. Each night after I heard Ollie’s words I asked myself one question before bed:

“Did I represent myself well enough today so that I can arrive into tomorrow with strength?”

Each time I asked myself that question I felt purposeful and aligned. Because I could finally realise that my purpose in life isn't to earn millions, build an empire or do anything "outlandish". No. My purpose is to continue representing myself to the best of my ability each day and to see where that takes me.

But little did I know, what Ollie was speaking about is solid mental health advice.

I’m sure he wasn’t also doing pull ups in the park at that time, but Dr. K (healthy gamer) has termed what Ollie was speaking about as ‘spawn points’.

In his recent video “why habits don’t work” Dr. K emphasises the importance of saving future you from present you. Because us humans have a tendency to screw our future selves over.

For example:

• Eating junk food now - makes you feel groggy tomorrow
• Staying up late to talk to bae tonight - steals happiness from the next day
• Not working out now - means you’ll struggle to fall asleep tonight

So your ‘spawn point’ is the world you wake up in tomorrow, which is a direct consequence of the decisions you make right now - just like your character would spawn into a video game after you’ve chosen their perks, appearance and journey quest.

Spawn point 1 (pretty good right?):

Spawn point 2 (yeah, erm... not so good):

Scary right?

Considering how your actions right now directly affect your future self?

But at the same time… it’s exciting.

So this is your job for the rest of your life; to make each spawn point you wake up into tomorrow slightly better than yesterday’s.

And to do so, there's only 1 question you need to ask yourself everyday:

“What world do I want to spawn into tomorrow?”

Do you want to spawn into a world where you feel well-rested? Strong? Clear? Calm? Healthy? Or do you want to spawn into a world where you feel groggy? Weak? Tired and depleted?

Then, right now, give your future self the gift of casting the votes in favour of you waking up in that state.

- Eat the healthy food

- Ditch the distractions

- Apply your mind

- Do the workout

- Sleep early

Then repeat.

Forever.

Go deeper:

Lastly, Dr. K implores us to stop avoiding the struggle.

Because the reality is: yes, today will suck.

• Doing a workout now is harder than scrolling the evening away.
• Cooking a nutritious meal is higher friction than eating 6 digestive biscuits.
• Turning all screens off by 8pm so you can wind-down in bed and get a good nights sleep is harder than watching YouTube until your eyeballs physically shut.

But your struggle won't go unnoticed. Because it’s future you who will reap the rewards.

In fact, it’s always future you who will reap the rewards.

So your goal is to continue representing yourself in a way that serves your future self tomorrow and to understand, this will be your task for the rest of your life.

But as Camus said of the man of Greek mythology Sisyphus, who was cursed to endlessly push a boulder up a hill only to watch it fall down once it reaches the top, one must imagine Sisyphus happy.

Spawn wisely.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Being genuine while practicing social skills techniques

This week I finished rereading People Skills by Robert Bolton, and Bolton finally answered the burning question many of us share:

“How can I practice social skills while being genuine?”

Here’s what he says:

"Communication techniques are useful only insofar as they facilitate the expression of essential human qualities. The person who has mastered the skills of communication but lacks genuineness, love, and empathy will find his expertise irrelevant or even harmful. Important as they are, the techniques of communication by themselves are unable to forge satisfactory relationships."

I felt his words personally because when I was 17 years old I isolated myself from most of my friends by using social skills techniques. Well, more so power techniques.

When I was 17 I began reading the 48 laws of power, which is a terrible book to give an immature 17 year old who doesn’t have the life experience to understand the rules.

(Sidenote - Robert Greene is one of my favourite authors and I love the book I just don't think teenagers should read it without an adult telling them how to put the rules into appropriate context).

So I began reading the rules and using them on my friends. Such as; conceal your intentions, always say less than necessary, use absence and withdrawal to increase respect. But it turned out that - yes the respect I got increased when I purposefully didn’t go to a party so that people would wonder where I am - but I became very mechanically boring in conversations for fear of revealing my intentions or saying too much, and worse yet, some people thought I was sly.

I played stupid games and I won stupid prizes. And isolation isn’t fun as a growing, boisterous teenager. So I quickly learned my lesson.

What's the bigger picture here?:

If you use your social skills techniques (whether that’s a set of questions to ask people, a form of attentive listening, reflecting their words back to them or postural techniques) without a genuine desire to improve your connection with that person and improve life for everyone involved, then you’re going to come across as fake.

So for me the sweet spot is; read the rules before you break them. That is to say, it's better if you combine your understanding of social dynamics (learning social skills techniques) with your authenticity. That's the true creative task of socialising - to absorb social techniques and principles and use them in a way that is authentic.

But how can you tell when you're being authentic?

Look at the situation in reverse; you can tell you're not being authentic if the way you socialise makes you feel drained or if your conscience calls you on your bullshit.

Finally, when you practice a social skills technique it won't feel authentic in the beginning. But again, this is the creative challenge of socialising; when you practice enough and use it in your own way, it'll soon become an expression of you. Just make sure your intentions behind using the technique are to improve connection and social harmony, not manipulate.

I hope that helps.

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation...

3.) Complaining

Neuroscientifically, complaining makes you feel better short term but worse long term.

Better short term because you feel as if you’re solving the problem and discharging emotions.

Worse long term because you’re not actually solving anything. You’re just mentally masturbating your way around the problem and probably making life worse for the people you’re complaining to.

So this week, after I caught myself complaining about something, I realised:

Replace all complaining with:

1.) A verbal recognition that this thing has happened; “Oh, this happened.”

2.) Then ask yourself: “ok, so what’s the plan?”

As Naval Ravikant says; in any situation you can change it, accept it or leave it.

Thank you for reading.

Until next week!

Lew

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