Amigos and amigas...

THE SUN IS SHINING IN THE UK. 🌞

But better be quick, it'll be gone in 3 minutes so I'm off to the beach to catch some rays. 🏝️🩳

Just kidding.

Because in other news...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

1 mental health tip

1 social skills tip

1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) Diminished or enlarged?

3 years ago I learned a principle for decision making.

Before you make a decision, you ask: does this choice diminish or enlarge me?

When I first heard it I thought the question was self-explanatory.

So I used it a few times when making big decisions in my life but I quickly realised asking it just made me more confused.

For example, I'd ask...

Would continuing to date this person diminish or enlarge me? (Answer: "wtf, how do I know? I've only known them for 3 weeks?!")

Would pushing through this project even though I feel demotivated diminish or enlarge me? (Answer: "again, wtf?!?! How should I know when all I want to do is watch netflix?")

Would eating this chocolate banana bread diminish or enlarge me? (Answer: "erm, I am pretty hungry though...")

But this week I've realised I was thinking about the question in the wrong way.

And when you understand the logic behind it, it makes all decision making incredibly simple...

The bigger picture...

The question forces you to think about your life trajectory.

That is; the direction your actions, habits and choices are currently taking you towards.

Your trajectory can either be positive, negative or neutral.

You're either getting better, worse or staying the same.

By asking "does this choice diminish or enlarge me?" you're asking "does this choice steer me in a positive, negative or neutral trajectory?"

Most importantly, asking this question provides you with clarity when you're unsure whether to pursue something that's hard right now.

For example...

Something can be soul destroying now and later thus leading you to a negative trajectory (diminishing) or something can be challenging and hard now but steering you towards a positive trajectory (enlarging).

Take the decisions of whether to stay in a relationship, push through work problems and move to a new city as examples...

Whether to stay in a relationship:

Enlarging choice: if you’re going through a tough period in a relationship with someone you know you want to be with, deciding to push through the conflict can steer you in a positive trajectory by leading to more trust, connection and conflict management skills built between you both (the diminishing choice would be not solving the conflict).

Diminishing choice: if you're feeling constricted by the relationship and deep down you know you're never going to see eye to eye, choosing to stay and push through the conflict will steer you towards a negative trajectory because the problem of incompatibility will always exist (the enlarging choice would be leaving the relationship).

Whether to push through work problems:

Enlarging choice: you can be experiencing challenge while working on a project now but pushing through and completing it will result in a positive trajectory because you'll get a qualification and a financial bonus (the diminishing choice would be abandoning the project).

Diminishing choice: trying to be "stoic" by accepting the reality of working in a toxic office environment can result in a negative trajectory because your mental health will continue to decline no matter what you do (the enlarging choice would be quitting the job).

Whether to move to a new city or stay put:

Enlarging choice: you can make the scarier choice to move to a bigger city now which will steer you in the positive trajectory of being exposed to better social and career opportunities later.

Diminishing choice: you can take the safe option by staying in your hometown where you're not exposed to people your age or fun activities which'll lead you to a negative social, mental and career trajectory.

This explains why I initially found the question confusing; I would only ask the question based on how something benefited me in the moment.

Whereas thinking about the question in terms of trajectory has helped me realise; the happiest, clearest and healthiest I've felt is when I'm on a positive trajectory that's further facilitated by making enlarging decisions.

It's a positive trajectory the question helps you find.

The bottom line...

If a choice enlarges you (steers you towards a positive trajectory) make it.

If a choice diminishes you (steers you towards a negative trajectory) don't make it.

As the author of Atomic Habits James Clear says...

"Focus on your current trajectory, not your current results." - James Clear

So my question to you is...

Are your current choices diminishing or enlarging you?

Extra material:

This week my cousin Brandon published an article all about decision making.

Naval Ravikant has 2 things to say about decision making: 1.) if you're unsure that means no. 2.) if you're stuck between multiple choices, pick the one that's harder in the short term.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) The 3 types of boundaries

The 3 types of boundaries are:

Porous

Rigid

Healthy

Porous boundaries are weak, poorly expressed and unintentionally harmful to yourself and others.

For example:

Oversharing

Codependency

Inability to say no

People pleasing

Fear of being rejected

Accepting mistreatment from others

Loaning money to others because you feel obliged even when you don't have the money

Rigid boundaries are set with the aim of keeping others at a distance to protect yourself even when loosening the boundary would be healthy.

For example:

Never sharing anything about yourself or your possessions

Building walls between you and others

Avoiding vulnerability

Cutting people off instantly

Having high expectations of how others should act

Enforcing strict rules in your relationships

Saying no so harshly others never ask again

Having a rule that you never loan money even when a friend is in a crisis

Healthy boundaries are set when your past doesn't show up in your present interactions. They require a realistic awareness of your emotional, mental and physical capacities that you clearly communicate to others.

For example:

Being clear about your values

Listening to your own opinion

Sharing appropriately

Expressing healthy vulnerability with people who have earned your trust

Being comfortable saying no

Being comfortable hearing no from others and not taking it personally

Saying no without apologising because that's the healthiest choice for you at the moment

Supporting others without causing harm to yourself

Exercise: use the above lists to reflect on whether you mostly set porous, rigid or healthy boundaries. And consider; in what areas of your life would you like to set healthier boundaries?

Go deeper...

One of the next videos on the channel will be a full guide on how to set boundaries other people respect.

Other videos I've done on the topic are this one and this one

If you'd like a book to read on this topic, check out set boundaries find peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.

Now let’s finalise with this week’s personal realisation…

3.) What you're not changing you're choosing.

It's scary to realise the situation you're in is all your fault.

And worse yet; by not changing it, you're choosing it.

In fact, when you realise you're choosing your suffering by staying in a situation you're constantly complaining about, it's enough to make you gasp like you've just seen a ghost.

But as soon as you realise you're choosing your suffering, that's where the fun begins.

Because now you're aware.

And what you're aware of, you can change.

A few weeks ago I realised if you complain about something without doing anything to change the situation, you secretly get a kick out of what you're complaining about.

A friend called to complain about a toxic relationship he's in. I realised the fact he keeps complaining about it to me means he's getting a dopamine hit from it.

Then I started to wonder about all the times I've complained about something I'm not changing in my life.

Damn.

That'll humble you quickly.

Here's a comment from a subscriber this week that's related to this...

"A habit is only a habit when it is unconscious. Once you are aware of a habit, it transmutes into a choice. The flow on question is then "why does this choice still serve me?" As we all only ever act out behaviours that serve/benefit us at some deep psychological level."

thehoov6672

So my final 2 questions to you is...

Is there something you've been complaining a lot about recently?

If so, and although it might be hard to admit, are you choosing to keep this suffering in your life rather than change it?

That's all for this week.

Thank you for reading.

Lew

Quote of the week:

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