How To Make Better Decisions (15 mins read)

Whether we choose to notice them or not, there are many factors that influence and guide our decisions.

Fortunately, with hindsight, we can trace all of our decisions that we have made and, provided we take lessons from them and move on, we can fine-tune our future decisions.

By examining our decisions, we will realise how consequential even the smallest decision is. No matter how tiny you think a decision may be, it still shapes a potential version of yourself.

If our decisions remain unexamined, we are susceptible to external influences and emotional reflexes, leading us away from measured and rational responses that are grounded in reality.

It is always helpful to question our behaviour and inspect the reasons why we made certain decisions, who they affected and how it changed us, because it helps to distinguish the unproductive themes and patterns from the productive ones. It is also better to spot a misguided belief ourselves than it is to be called out for it as we are less likely to change if we are judged for it.

In this article, I will detail three core principles that can improve your decisions, as well as the missing piece that joins these together: timing.

Timing is vital; we can often come to a rational conclusion but if it’s at the wrong time, it will not be well received. If you wait too long to make a decision, someone may ask, “why didn’t you tell me this earlier”?

The overarching aim of this article is to explain how having the relevant information, making decisions at the right time and, ultimately, doing what YOU think is right is everything. To help achieve this, I will offer practical exercises and prompts that you can use in your own life to be proactive in your decisions and assist you in spotting your unproductive patterns.

3 Principles

Starting with the core principles first, you can only make a rational decision when you fulfil the following criteria:

1.        You are patient and focused

2.        You trust your judgement (no shortcuts from others!)

3.        You are open-minded

Be patient and wait for the right time

To make sure you are acting at the right time, you must first ask yourself:

How much time do I have?

As soon as you answer this, step back from the situation to avoid any influences that may obstruct your clarity and focus on the essential information.

Having too much information can overwhelm you and give too many options to choose from, and so we make none. The term for this is analysis paralysis; something we are all susceptible to feeling, bombarded by so much news it makes your head spin. It’s no wonder we feel indecisive, we never think that too much information can be bad for us!

Handling this information, your brain is like a cup that is overflowing. Instead of adding more information we need to stop filling up and look at what needs emptying.

We do this by stepping back away from the situation. Just as a swordsman needs space in order to swing his sword, we need to physically remove ourselves from the spotlight of information at the right point in order to look over the evidence. This will prepare us to act at the right moment instead of feeling overwhelmed.

If you are a person who feels overwhelmed easily, another thing to remember is that if you are making a big decision and are unsure, it is probably too early to ask for advice.

This is where writing it out can be useful, especially if it is a decision that affects you and a partner.

Say you are both looking to relocate – the most important information you need from one another falls under two categories:

·   What is a deal-breaker for you? This is something your new house must have (e.g. a bath).

·   What is desirable but not essential? (e.g. a garden or a dining area)

Once you do this, you can then order them from the most important to the least and see if there is agreement with what you and your partner desire, scrubbing off ones you are willing to part with and circling ones you have agreed on.

The clarity you get from having more information, opens up room for negotiation where you can trade with each other. If in your new house, one of your most important desirable options was a second bedroom, you can get this if you sacrifice one of your other lower ranked desirables.

With this collaborative approach, you can step into the situation (with the important information absorbed) at the right time.

Timing and Patience is required

This timing and patience can be summarised in a word: forbearance.

If you’re unfamiliar with this word, the author Carlos Castaneda defines it best:

“Wait[ing] patiently – no rush, no anxiety – a simple, joyful holding back of what is due”. (1)

In a word, forbearance means to have self-control. This stop us from leading with impulse. This is dangerous as our first reactions may be misleading. If we instead take our time, we are making a decision based on the information of the situation instead of an emotional reaction.

Leading with emotion is risky because, when we are emotional, we are prone to taking things personally and, therefore, our rationality is compromised. If you fail to conquer this, you will begin to doubt and second-guess your decisions, seeing things that aren’t there as a result of being inconsistent in your thought process.

To stop this second guessing, turn to active solitude

At first glance, the words “active” and “solitude” may appear to be at odds with each other. To dispute this, I will start with a quote by the philosopher Nietzsche:

“Never trust a thought that didn’t come from walking.” (2)

When you walk, your brain is the perfect balance of active and relaxed. In this state, you are not trying to force an outcome and, instead, have the space for good ideas to take shape, and the receptivity to give them pause and consideration.

Spending time on activities that encourage inner solitude produces the best ideas as you are free of influence from ‘misdirects’, i.e. anything that makes your eye wander from what needs to change, such as other people.

Being influenced is most likely to happen if we're in an unfamiliar situation and are unsure how to behave and so we will take our cues from other people who seem more experienced.

This is problematic because, as the psychologist Marie Louise Von Franz said:

“The unconscious doesn’t speak to you when you’re with other people.” (3)

With this influence of others removed from the picture, our internal dialogue is quietened (the noise of your inner voice), leaving only the pressing thoughts to think about.

As the American philosopher Will Durant remarked, “silence is the beginning of wisdom”, and having an overpowering internal dialogue (an inner voice) only serves to restrict your potential. [4]

If you quieten your inner voice, you become more aware of what information is deserving of your attention, keeping the focus on the relevant context and channelling your energy into the task at hand.

Again, Castaneda shares this consensus, stating that:

“When [you] learn to stop the internal dialogue, everything becomes possible; the most far-fetched schemes become attainable”. (5)

If you struggle with silence, start small and spend 15 minutes of your day in complete silence and go from there. By doing this daily, you can quieten your inner voice, giving you more confidence in your thoughts, making you less likely to rush to a conclusion.

How to trust your judgement and not someone else’s

Confidence in your own decisions also requires the realisation that you know yourself better than anyone else.

You have access to the most information, and it is you who has the ability and the time to talk it through with yourself.

When we open a dialogue with ourselves, as long as we treat ourselves with care and respect, we will be able to bridge the gap between our external actions and our authentic selves.

To preserve this respectful approach, it is helpful to look at our inner self as if it is a childlike version of ourselves.

In the words of my favourite director, the late, great David Lynch:

“Inside, we are ageless...and when we talk to ourselves, it's the same age of the person we were talking to when we were little”. (6)

Incorporating this within the context of our decisions, our initial assessment of the situation is likely to be more aligned with this ageless self as there will be less interference from others. This justifies why it can be better to trust what you knew then and not what you feel now, particularly if someone's influence has compromised your decision.

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You can only trust in your judgement when your self-esteem is secure

thIn her book The Courage to Confront Evil, the author Caroline Myss defines self-esteem as:

“The capacity to build trust on your spiritual instincts over your five senses”. [7]

In her words, “it is the step-by-step journey of you experiencing rejection, humiliation, isolation, shame, injustice and overcoming it”. [8]

Despite how hard we may try to go through life without facing these uncomfortable feelings, it is inevitable that we will have to face what tempts us. We have to learn about our own morality and to what extent we are willing to compromise it with others.

The only way we can do this is through trial and error. Failing has the ability to improve our position, even getting burnt by people we trusted can help us to better ourselves.

It is good to realise that this is a part of life so that we can be courageous through adversity. Living in this reality that we are all bargaining for our morality and, as an extension, our souls with each other helps us to accept that it’s okay to get our hands dirty, if it’s the best decision.

But it’s not okay to live in a safety net away from what makes us uncomfortable. Constant exposure to these difficult experiences is the only way you can build up your self-esteem as, when we consistently overcome adversity, we become more courageous and our opinion of ourselves improves. This leads to an authentic self, one who is not afraid to, as Johnny Cash wrote to Bob Dylan, “track some mud on the carpet”.

With our ability validated by consistently displaying composure, we can begin to trust our decisions

Taking a breath and waiting until the emotional response is subdued is a choice that we come to from experiencing moments where we put our foot in it. Learning from these mistakes, we now know to only commit to a decision when we are composed and not emotional.

However, making the right decision is easier said than done.

I will now discuss practical ways that can help us spot our mistakes both before and after they happen.

How do I know if it is the right decision?

In terms of personal decisions, a sure sign to know you are making a right choice is to consider if, in making it, it will promote growth. If you truly think of it as a real possibility, you can visualise these decisions as shaping a real future version of yourself.

Deep down we know what is best for us but, if it is hard to achieve, we will be secretly waiting for someone else to offer an alternative path so we no longer have to go the more difficult route.

To find what is truly in your best interests, you need to follow your intuition.

If you are unfamiliar, the oxford definition reads that intuition is "a thing that one knows or considers likely from feeling rather than conscious reasoning".

We all have moments where we sense something isn't right, there may be a secret tension you feel when walking into a crowded room.

This unshakeable instinct contrasts with our ability to reason based on the information at our disposal.

Ultimately, we need to use both faculties to come to the right decision. I have found that it is preferable to follow your intuition after you have digested the information from the situation and let it settle. You can then look back and consider what your initial intuitive feeling is in active solitude, considering if the gut feeling has changed or stayed constant.

Another thing experience has taught me is to commit to a decision as soon as it becomes a no-brainer.

It becomes a no-brainer when you outline enough valid reasons for why it is the best option for you.

What is ‘enough’ for you is up to you. It is your choice how high of a threshold you want to set for yourself. Two fundamental rules to keep on top of this is to:

·      Only respond when you have enough evidence

·      Only decide when you are not controlled by emotion

Of course, we don’t want to wait too long that the right moment goes by. We just need to be aware that making no decision is also a choice and sometimes the situation has time constraints.

By implementing this no-brainer strategy, we will be able to stand by our decisions with confidence even under intense pressure, whether it is external (from others) or internal (your own desires).

Consistently committing to your decisions is a good quality to have as people appreciate clarity. So, if you lead with assurance and honesty, others will be more inclined to treat you in the same way.

Say you are chatting to someone on a dating app but you are unsure about whether to proceed. It’s better and kinder for both of you to commit to either meeting them, or ending the conversation. It doesn’t help either of you to keep the door open if you have no intention of meeting them.

Mixed messaging muddies the situation, and the lack of clarity has the potential to later escalate to an emotional response from either person. This emotional volatility also makes you more prone to manipulation as your visible, raw behaviour makes you predictable and vulnerable to influence from others. This is especially problematic if you are a people pleaser because you will be easily swayed by external influence into making a decision that is not your own.

However, this doesn't mean to say you should stick to your choices no matter what. Opinions change and we should always question why we hold certain beliefs.

In fact, you should pay close attention to when you proclaim you are absolutely sure of anything as we may be projecting clarity to cope with our inner confusion. It is a coping mechanism that we are all prone to. Our stubbornness seeps into our decisions, leaving no space for new ideas or information.

If this becomes consistent, we will become stagnant and stuck in the same place.

The longer we are stuck in the same place, the less we will develop  

In this ungrounded perspective, our strongest beliefs, because they are emotionally charged, are stuck, motionless. If we are motionless, it is easier to be caught.

Stubbornness and, thus, motionlessness arise from being too attached to the situation because attachment and the strong emotions that come with it make us resistant to seeing the full picture.

So, to keep our decisions clear, we must detach from the situation and view it with as much objectivity as possible. Once you are satisfied with your choice, return to the situation with a new-found clarity in your decision.

However, there is always going to be some level of attachment that we cannot shake free from. How we are perceived and how we perceive ourselves is an attachment which is tied to other people, and so we cannot easily detach from it.

For example, in the workplace, a younger man may be treated with more respect if he has a beard instead of being clean-shaven because a beard gives the appearance of maturity.

Even this change has the potential to shift the situation as it may skew our choices if we are treated with less respect.

The importance of appearances in every-day life is an unfortunate reality but is one we must accept. Just as there is a need to over-complicate a situation, there is also a potentiality in all of us to over-simplify and label people in categories to conserve our brain power.

Thinking takes time so most people judge

This statement is inspired by Jung who wrote:

“Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!” (9)

If you are in a group and someone disrupts what is acceptable and familiar, you, being in the majority, places you in a safe and secure position to shoot down the outsider and make a snap judgement as you know the majority will back your view.

To refrain from doing this, we must also keep in mind that observing is preferable to evaluating in your head, especially early on when it is too early to make a judgement.

This is where the exercise I hinted at in the beginning can be beneficial for us to spot our common themes and beliefs so we can move away from these unproductive patterns.

For this exercise, grab a piece of paper and write down your 3 best decisions you’ve made and your 3 worst decisions.

You then pick out the common themes so you can see both what is tripping you up and what is helping you.

To find these themes, think:

·      Where was I when I made this decision

·      What was I doing and whose voice was I listening to?

You may realise that the theme with your worst decisions is that they came at a time when you were unsure and you chose to ask for advice.

This may make you realise that your bad decisions were made as a response to a lack of clarity in yourself. Realising this, you feel overwhelmed and look for a quick fix from someone else who can validate our feelings.

However, true self-assurance doesn’t need approval so there is no need to look for external validation.

The benefit of this exercise is that we will begin to get better at spotting when we are reverting to these patterns during a big decision and not when it is too late.

Also, in reflecting on our mistakes, we can look further back to the root and ask:

What was the deeper unmet need that made me resort to that wrong choice?

To give the reader other prompts to ask yourself when making a decision, you could ask yourself:

·      What are the reasons I am doing this?

·      Am I doing something to show it off to others?

If so, forget this motive and consider an alternative one that is more sustainable (i.e. an internal motive which is not dependent on external variables).

Another question you could ask is:

·      If this went completely wrong and turned out to be a disaster, what would happen?

If we utilised this prompt for all the potential options, we will be able to map out all the disasters, ordering them to rule out the weaker ones. You will then be left with your chosen options.

In doing this exercise, we are living in the alternate realities so we can rationally assess our options.

An arguable drawback of weighing-up our decisions in this way, is that it can make us feel dizzy at the amount of options we have to choose from. However, this is actually a good realisation if we frame it in a slightly different way.

We should look at the amount of options at our disposal as a blessing, something to be grateful for. Not everyone has the freedom of choice.

This awareness helps us to recognise the importance of choice in keeping us on the right path, keeping us on our toes and away from short-cuts.

Always question short-cuts  

We are always secretly looking for short-cuts to our problems, quick fixes that can make our lives easier. This is becoming more true in the online sphere where, for the sake of convenience, algorithms push us towards a more assisted life. Our lives are only getting more and more convenient with AI answering any question we throw at it assisting us in ways we have never seen before.

The downside of this convenience is that it is a slippery slope.

Being too reliant on technology you are thinking less and less for yourself, always favouring the short-cut route. This will only lead to worse decisions.

You can frame it in this way:

More short-cuts lead to:

Less exposure to challenge = Worse decisions

If we flip this:

Less short-cuts lead to:

More exposure to challenge = Better decisions

When we take the technological short-cut to answer our issue, we don’t learn the lessons that we would if we stumbled on the answer on our own. By being challenged less, we are negating our own gift of rationality.

What we don’t realise is:

“The more one interferes with technology, the more [problems] that sprouts, with more detailed information needing to be analyse”. (10)

Our reliance on technology is even more reason to not immediately trust a short-cut as, with technology being within arm’s reach (our phones), we are always tempted with the easy option with questions we don’t yet know.

We must remember that when we always look for short-cuts, they will always be there. If you’re always looking for a reason to get you out of something difficult, it is likely you will find one but it might not be real.

Constantly looking for escape plans in uncomfortable situations is a defeatist mind-set that leaves no room for open-mindedness. When you are closed-minded you are distracted from the moment.

Of course, some short-cuts are legitimate, but we can’t trust them because they are always going to serve our own perceived interests.

We are constantly tempted to seek the easy option as they promise to fulfil our immediate desires. For example, if you are a socially anxious person, your immediate desire may be to escape this environment you’re in. This means it is likely that these self-made short-cuts will be abundant as we are actively on the look-out for anything to get us out of the situation.

Any possible escape plan will inevitably look appealing. When we do this, we are being closed-minded, as we are blocking out any possibility for the situation to improve. This distracts us from the moment, meaning we are ill equipped to make a rational decision.

With any social situations that make you anxious, remember that any outcome isn't dangerous.

When making a big decision, don’t put unnecessary pressure on yourself

When we are unsure, we tend to add more pressure to the pot.

Although pressure can produce results, when we impose unrealistic deadlines that we can’t keep to, this can serve to de-motivate us even more.

Thinking about the deadline of any looming task only makes us more tempted to procrastinate. We put it off because we have placed too much importance on future rewards instead of enjoying the work in the moment.  

In looking away from the present to an end goal, we end up putting unachievable expectations on ourselves which aren’t grounded in reality.

One unhelpful expectation that causes myself to feel guilty is feeling obligated to always reply to messages I get quickly so as not to disappoint or look bad. What I realised was that if you do this, you are placing too much importance on the optics (how it looks).

This is something that will be impossible to maintain. Unless you verify it with the person, there is no proof that the expectation is real. You are not in the recipient's head and have no bearing on if there is offence to begin with. It could be a figment of your imagination. In other words it was a self-engineered expectation without any confirmation from the recipient that they also expected a quick reply.

Therefore, we should refrain from basing our decisions on unverified external perceptions.

Besides, as Nietzsche reminds us:

"So long as you are praised believe that you are not yet on your own course but that of another". (11)

However, this is not to say that speaking with a peer is never helpful. There is a psychological term for conversing about your problems to others called “Co-rumination” and it can reveal valuable insights that may not have been reached without the other person’s help (e.g. from a friend).

It only becomes unhelpful if we start giving too much credence to their advice as this suggests we trust their ability more than our own, believing that they know us better than we do. In the long run, this will only lead to more anxiety as our decisions will be inconsistent, potentially harming someone indirectly.

If you do unintentionally hurt someone from a decision you have made, apologise, learn from it and then put it behind you. If you make a mistake, don’t be hard on yourself, you’re not perfect, it’s natural.

Conclusion

In conclusion, to make a good decision you must:

Sit with your initial intuitive position, let things rest, remain open-minded to the information and the possible options but refrain from latching onto external opinions as you may be tempted to over-simplify the solution as a coping mechanism.

It is crucial that throughout this process, you trust in your own decisions, make them hassle free and be flexible in case you are missing something or overcomplicating the issue. If you are missing something, ask yourself the questions I have suggested or go through one of the recommended exercises. Finally, remember that “the only person you're ever competing against is yourself. The rest is out of your control”. (12)

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Thanks for reading!

Brandon

Newel of Knowledge Writer

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Sources:

[1] Carlos Castaneda - Fire from within. Pg129

[2] Friedrich Nietzsche - Twilight of the Idols

[3] Marie-Louise Von Franz - Interview

[4] Durant, W., Field, R. and Blackstone Audio, Inc. Our oriental heritage.

[5] Carlos Castaneda. The Wheel of Time. Pg 119.

[6] David Lynch - Catching the Big Fish

[7&8] Caroline Myss – The Courage to Confront Evil. Chapter 1

[9] Carl Jung, CW 10, Page 344, Para 652.

[10] Alan Watts – The Book on the Taboo Against Knowing Who You Are

[11] Friedrich Nietzsche - Human, All Too Human. Chapter 80

[12] Rick Rubin - The Creative Act: The Way of Being

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