Amigos and amigas...

How's the week been treatin' ya so far? 🧐

As I type this I'm looking out of my window and I see...

Clouds. ☁️

If you're by a window, what do you see?

In other news...‍

The big 3 newsletter is here!

• 1 mental health tip
• 1 social skills tip
• 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) Do vs don’t‍

Don’t eat the cookie.

Don’t watch porn.

Don’t argue back.

Don’t wake up late.

Don’t scroll your evening into oblivion.‍

Don’t-Lose-Self-Control.‍

If these sound like familiar commandments you give to yourself, you’ll be pleased to know they’re useless and there’s a better alternative.‍

The bigger picture…‍

Telling yourself to “not do” something is an avoidance goal.

Telling yourself "to do" something is an approach goal.

And sustainable change comes from setting approach goals.

Avoidance goals are unhelpful because us humans are terrible at stopping a behaviour if we don’t know what to do instead.

In fact, telling yourself to not do something just makes you want to do it more.

For example…

• Telling yourself to "stop using your phone so much" only leads to you to sitting around picking your nose wondering how else to spend your time until you say “ah, who cares”, give in and pick up your phone to watch unusual memes.
• Your friend telling you to not be so nervous around new people just makes you more aware of your anxiety, which makes you feel worse when you tremble in front of others.

The bottom line...‍

It's ok to realise you don't want to do something anymore.

But if you genuinely want to break that habit, you need to tell yourself what to do instead.

For example…

Don’t eat the cookie. ❌‍

Do cook some banana porridge and eat it while drinking a glass of water. ✅‍

Don’t watch porn. ❌ ‍

Do go for a walk whenever you feel a sexual urge. ✅‍

Don’t argue back. ❌ ‍

Do take a deep breath and reflect back what you think the other person is saying in your own words until they say "that's right". ✅ (lol this is god level communication right here but it works). ‍

Don’t wake up late. ❌ ‍

Do go to bed at 9pm each night and wake up without an alarm. ✅‍

Don’t scroll your evening into oblivion. ❌ ‍

Do read a book for an hour at 6pm everyday. ✅‍

Don't be so nervous around people. ❌‍

Do be the first one to offer to shake someone's hand. ✅‍

Do ;) this, and you'll quickly see how much of a better relationship you build with yourself instead of being a "don't" tyrant. ‍

Go deeper...‍

Not only does avoidance language not lead to behaviour change, but vague language is just as worse.

So the next time you or someone else commands you to do something that you don't understand, don't lazily say "yeah, ok", stop and demand a further explanation.‍

For example...‍

"Dude, you just need to be more charismatic."

"Show some more self control why don't you?"

"Stop sabotaging your life."‍

Vague. Vague. Vague. ‍

Better alternatives...

"Just be more charismatic" = when you're having a conversation with someone, keep eye contact with them and smile whenever they say something you find interesting. ‍

"Show some more self control why don't you?" = the next time you go food shopping, walk down the fruit isle instead of the junk food isle and buy 3 things you like the look of. ‍

"Stop sabotaging your life." = whenever you're in a rut, just pick one task to focus on for the day such as; working out, cooking a meal or drinking enough water despite your high expectations. ‍

The more specific your request, the better.

Extra resources:

• Check out this video from 2 months ago titled "why trying to control yourself doesn't work" for more tips on how to beat temptation.
• Check out psychology researcher Ayelet Fishbach's book "get it done" to learn more about human motivation or her podcast with Chris Williamson (this podcast was what sparked this do/don't idea).
• For more on the "vague" language topic, check out this longer video I did a few months ago on non violent communication and skip to the "make specific requests" chapter.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) Name, same, fame, aim and game‍

4 weeks ago I was sat in a fancy restaurant in London, networking with 15 other YouTubers and entrepreneurs.

But none of us had met each other before.

So to break the ice, the organiser of the meet up (my friend Saf) suggested we all take it in turns to introduce ourselves to the group. But as the three people to my right took 30 seconds or so to introduce themselves whilst making everyone laugh, I realised I had no idea what to say.

So as everyone's eyes turned to me and I gulped before I said my first word, I played it safe and just said "hi, I'm Lewis, I'm from Kent and I'm a YouTuber."

And although everyone was smiling while I said it, my intro bombed because it was boring.

But I learned something 2 days ago that would've made my introduction 10x better and you can use the next time you're introducing yourself to others. ‍

Here's what you do...‍

Name:

• Mention your name.
• Example: "Hi, my name's Lewis,"

Same:

• Mention what it is you do or something you'd like the other people to know that they will 100% understand.
• Example: "Hi, my name's Lewis, I run the Newel of Knowledge youtube channel where we post one video a week either about mental health or social skills,"

Note: the reason you want to talk about what you do in a way people can understand is because the brain stores information like saving a computer file. And it stands a better chance at finding that file if you can easily remember the file's name. ‍

For example:

"I'm a life coach" is much easier to understand than "I'm an energetic healer who works with the transmutational frequencies of the earth to direct behaviour change."‍

Fame:

• Mention something that makes you interesting.
• What have you worked on? What makes you stand out? Can you mention any numbers or awards?
• Example: "within the first year the channel grew to 100k subscribers and now the community has grown to 250k+ people."

Aim:

• What are you working on in the next 90 days?
• Example: "right now I'm studying everything I can about social skills and engaging with our community members to build a course that will 10x their social skills."

Game:

• What is your clear vision you’re working on long term?
• Example: "but more long term, the numbers of views aren't the priority, the decades long vision is to help and continue to help 10,000 people flourish their mental health and social skills so that the world is filled with more mentally healthy and socially fluent people."

In fact, one of the guys did this last part brilliantly whilst using images we understood by saying: "I want to have a 100k youtuber subscriber plaque in one hand and an Oscar in the other."‍

Full example (30 seconds max):

• "Hi, my name's Lewis, I run the Newel of Knowledge youtube channel where we post one video a week either about mental health or social skills. Within the first year the channel grew to 100k subscribers and now the community has grown to 250k+ legends ;). Right now I'm studying everything I can about social skills and engaging with our community members to build a course that will 10x their social skills. But more long term, the numbers of views aren't the priority, the decades long vision is to help and continue to help 10,000 people flourish their mental health and social skills so that the world is filled with more mentally healthy and socially fluent people."‍

Even if you don't always say such an introduction word for word when you meet new people it's still a great tool to have up your sleeve.

Because a great way to improve your social skills is to have questions and statements rehearsed that just roll off the tongue. That way, the next time you're put on the spot to introduce yourself to a bunch of strangers you'll seem like a natural. ‍

Final word of warning:‍

You might have no clue about what your 90 day aim is let alone your decades long plan.

So the exciting thing about this exercise is it forces you to think. ‍

And if you're not satisfied with how you currently introduce yourself, think of how you'd ideally like to introduce yourself then work towards making that a reality. ‍

Now let’s finalise with this week’s personal realisation…

3.) Always be ready

I've been re-reading the Plague by Albert Camus recently.

And it's been a great reminder that...

You’re never as safe as you think.

People die.

Plans get destroyed.

Betrayals happen.

Life changes. ‍

Always be ready.

Thank you for reading.

Until next week!

Lew

Quote of the week:

Videos you might have missed:

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