Guilt, Letting Others Down & Becoming 'Everyday'

Amigos!

The big 3 newsletter is here.

• 1 mental health tip
• 1 social skills tip
• 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight in.

1.) Healthy vs unhealthy guilt

When I was 18 I began trying to get a grip on my bad habits. But since then, and despite some success, I’ve noticed a self-destructive loop play out.

1.) I would relapse into a bad habit.

2.) I’d instantly feel guilty for relapsing.

3.) Because the guilt made me feel uncomfortable and like a failure I’d instantly turn to short-term dopamine fuelled activities which distracted me from feeling the guilt.

4.) Those behaviours would provide short-term relief but would make me feel even more guilty.

5.) I’d continue this cycle until I finally decided to quit the self-destructive loop around three days later.

Reading this might make you laugh. But the truth is, each time I engaged in this cycle I had no idea when I’d get my life back and in what state it would be in when it returned. It seemed I’d do anything to avoid the feeling of guilt; scroll, eat junk food, watch porn. And this has been my greatest struggle for the last 7 years, reconciling the guilt I feel after I contradict one of my “rules”.

So what is guilt?

Guilt is an emotion that originates from a perception that you’ve done something wrong, which leads to a mixture of anxiety and pressure.

As the psychotherapist Aziz Gazipura notes:

“The anxiety is based on the prediction that something ‘bad’ will happen. For example, you might be judged or disliked, others might be upset or you might feel ashamed of yourself. Such consequences could result in the loss of love, connection, opportunity or your identity as a ‘good person’. The pressure is derived from your urge to fix, solve or ‘make the situation right’ in order to feel relief.”

Think about guilt in terms of rules. You feel guilty when you break them.

But here’s the thing…

Healthy and unhealthy guilt are two completely different things.

Healthy guilt is when you acknowledge the error you've made without denying or downplaying it. Instead of berating yourself or tearing yourself to shreds, healthy guilt focuses on what you can do now to make things right.

For example, here’s what the voice of healthy guilt sounds like:

“I relapsed again! Oh man, that’s pretty bad. I feel awful. Ouch. Ok, what can I do now to make it better? First of all, I can stop scrolling for the rest of the day and go on a walk to clear my head. Then I need to remember this doesn’t set me back to 0%. Then I need to sit down and outline what went wrong so I can prevent it happening again.”

However, unhealthy guilt doesn’t outline new proactive behaviour for you to take going forward. It merely spirals you down further into self-hatred which leads to prolonged periods of procrastination, avoidance or low mood.

For example, here’s what the voice of unhealthy guilt sounds like:

“I relapsed again. Oh that’s terrible. I’m such an idiot. I keep trying and yet nothing works, everything I do fails and I’ll never overcome this. I was 20 days clean and here I am ruining it all again. I always do this kind of thing. I'm such a failure and weak person.”

Below is a table illustrating the differences between healthy & unhealthy guilt...

So how can we healthily manage guilt?

As outlined by the psychotherapist Aziz Gazipura, there are 5 things you can do.

Note: I encourage you to think back to the last time you felt guilty for doing something and to dissect it with the following steps.

1.) Acknowledge and allow the guilt

Instead of reacting to the guilt, examine it.

At first you might not even notice you feel guilty because you might stay in the motion of avoiding discomfort by scrolling, talking to others or doing anything that distracts you. So slow down, tune out from screens and distractions to be with your thoughts and emotions.

Ask yourself:

• What do you notice?
• Are you uncomfortable?
• Do you have racing, anxious thoughts?
• Are you restless or agitated in your body?
• Do you feel tightness in your chest or throat?
• Do you have a sinking feeling in your stomach?

Now observe the voice speaking to you through the guilt:

• Is it healthy or unhealthy guilt?
• Is the voice calm and loving whilst acknowledging you’ve made a mistake?
• Or is it harsh and judgemental like an angry parent?
• If there’s a label that comes with the thought, such as I’m selfish, a failure etc. then it’s unhealthy guilt
• Say it out loud “oh, this is guilt”

But just because you feel guilty doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong, as the next point highlights…

2.) Identify the rules you’ve broken

Highlight the “shoulds” and “should nots” the voice of guilt is telling you.

These are your rules.

Healthy rules point you in the direction of becoming your best self. Unhealthy rules are unrealistic expectations.

Unhealthy rules could be:

• "I shouldn’t let people down."
• "I can’t say no to friends."
• "I should always have self control."

Healthy rules could include:

• "I don’t eat junk food."
• "I take care of my mind and body."

3.) Determine if the guilt is healthy or unhealthy

Remember…

• Healthy guilt is based on realistic rules and standards aimed towards self love.
• Unhealthy guilt is based on unrealistic standards which manifest as punishment and self-attack.

The trick unhealthy guilt makes us believe is if we feel bad enough for what we’ve done, we can atone for our sins. But this never works because shame is not a positive influence on behaviour.

To detect whether it’s healthy or unhealthy guilt ask…

• Do I want to live by these rules?
• Do they reflect my values?
• Are they realistic?
• Do they take into account variations in the environment and the fact that I’m a human?

• If the answer = yes then there’s a healthy message in the guilt
• If the answer = no then you’re in unhealthy guilt, there’s still a message to be learned but a slightly different one

4.) Understand the message

Now pay attention to what action the guilt is trying to get you to do or not do in the future?

5.) Take new action

Now it’s time to utilise the healthy guilt’s message and act new.

First of all, as Aziz Gazipura says:

“Get out of your head and into your heart. Feel whatever is there and keep meeting it with love and forgiveness, even if your mind tells you that it’s unforgivable. It’s not. Forgiveness is infinite and always accessible.”

Then set a new proclamation based on the guilt with the following sentence; “in my reality.”

• In my reality, it’s OK to say no when I want to or need to.
• In my reality, it’s OK for others to temporarily feel disappointed.
• In my reality, it’s OK to speak up for myself and state my perspective.
• In my reality, it’s OK for me to not have 100% self-control 24/7.

Consider:

• Do you need to apologise to someone?
• Do you need to change your behaviour, habits or ways of relating to certain people?
• Do you need to create a regular ritual or practice that will help you be more patient, kind, caring, present or relaxed?

So there we go. This week's meditation on guilt.

May you give yourself the forgiveness you need.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip.

2.) How to let someone down

“What the person we're rejecting needs are the facts, an apology, some space to get over their hurt and some time to rejig their plans; nothing more. What they don't need are layers of explanation that either feel untrue or are so serious as not to leave them any room to mourn their own social loss. Nor do they need excessive concern on the part of the person who has hurt them, with doe-eyed enquiries that humiliatingly emphasise their dependence on the very person who has rejected them. We need to be terse, focused - and ready to accept that we won't for a time be thought very nice by someone to whom we haven't been very nice."

• The school of life (Modern Manners)

In other words, don’t litter your apologies with over-bearing explanations and excuses.

When you’ve made your point, stop talking.

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation.

3.) Be an everyday guy

I've always had a love-hate relationship with setting goals.

When I set them I feel motivated and clear. But when I achieve them I'm back to the same disheartening realisation; "what now?".

But this week one of my favourite authors Ryan Holiday wrote a piece about how he never sets goals and it helped me see the dilemma with fresh eyes. So here's my short summary of his words...

Immerse yourself in the craft, not the charts.

Be an everyday guy.

Forget the lofty over-arching goals you have and absorb yourself in the day-to-day.

Because your trajectory is what truly matters.

Because you truly love what you do.

Because winners and losers have the same goals.

There's a point to be made that if you want to be famous, known or rewarded for what you do, you only do so because you don’t love what you’re doing.

True joy doesn't need to be recognised.

True ambition is doing away with goals.

Absorb yourself in the process.

Don’t compete with others. (As Naval Ravikant says "escape competition through authenticity").

Give your gift fully.

For the sake of doing it itself. Not for external reward.  

Be everyday.

Here's Ryan's post.

Here's Aziz Gazipura's article on guilt.

Thank you for reading & until next week!

Lew

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