Reassurance, Self-Talk & Being "Enough"

Amigos!!!

How’s this week been treating you?

We’re going to follow the same theme as last week in today’s newsletter; one thing I’ve learned about social skills, one thing I’ve learned about mental health and one personal realisation.

Let's dive straight in...

1.) Stop reassuring people

Last week we briefly covered why advice sucks. So this week we’re going to draw on the same book we covered (people skills by Robert Bolton) to outline why reassuring others is an unconscious tactic of emotional withdrawal.

We’ve all been there. We’re talking to someone and suddenly they begin outpouring all of their emotional grievances and annoyances onto us.

Perhaps a friend says:

"It's been so hard this week. No matter what I do I feel there's always a million things left to do. What's more my ex texted me this week which brought all the feelings back and now I just can't stop thinking about her. Ah man, this week has been a complete disaster."

So what do we do?

Firstly we freak out at the emotional direction the conversation has suddenly taken. Secondly we try to reassure them by saying; “don’t worry, everything works out in the end” or “this too shall pass, no one will remember this 100 years from now.”

Unfortunately, as I’m writing this, I’ve just realised I did this to a friend a few weeks ago who was going through a break up. I wanted him to feel better so I said “mate, don’t worry, we’ll look back on this in a few weeks in laughter.”

Bad move.

The reason reassurance isn't a good idea if what we want is our relationships to flourish is because although our intentions are good when we reassure others, what we are subtly communicating is; STOP FEELING WHAT YOU'RE FEELING.

In the words of Robert Bolton:

"Reassurance is a way of seeming to comfort another person while actually doing the opposite. The word comfort comes from two latin words, con and fortis. The combination literally means "strengthened by being with." Reassurance does not allow the comforter to really be with the other. It can be a form of emotional withdrawal. Reassurance is often used by people who like the idea of being helpful but who do not want to experience the emotional demand that goes with it."

So replace reassuring others with labelling their emotions and just holding space for them.

Use:

It sounds like...

It seems like...

It looks like...

For example:

Friend: "It's been so hard this week. No matter what I do I feel there's always a million things left to do. What's more my ex texted me this week which brought all the feelings back and now I just can't stop thinking about her. Ah man, this week has been a complete disaster."

You: "It sounds like you're feeling a bit defeated. I'm happy to listen if you want to talk about it some more. I won't offer advice, I'll just listen."

Then, if you're in the right mind frame to do so, listen to them vent without pouring flames on their fire.

Just hold the space for them.

Lastly, a final reason reassurance doesn't work is because people's self-images aren't changed through external pressure. In order for someone to change their way of thinking they have to choose to do so. In the words of Haim Ginott: "A person's ingrained opinion of himself resists direct attempts at alteration."

Now moving onto something I've learned to facilitate our mental flourishing...

2.) Why you should question your ability

We hear a lot online about self-belief.

Apparently to foster good self-belief you need to tell yourself positive things until you believe them. But since I was 16 and first started reading about this nonsense, I had my suspicions from the get go.

So if you want to motivate yourself, improve your confidence, achieve something great or otherwise just manage your behaviour better, instead of telling yourself positive things until you throw up, practice something called interrogative self-talk.

Interrogative self-talk is when you question your abilities instead of telling yourself statements such as "I can do it!" or "I'll achieve this!".

For example, you ask:

"Can I achieve this?"

"Can I do it?"

"Can I deliver this presentation well?"

"Am I doing well today?"

"Can I get her number?"

You might be thinking this is a recipe for disaster, so here's the explanation...

When you question your abilities you activate the problem solving part of your brain.

So if before giving a presentation you ask "can I deliver this presentation well?" - you'll instantly think about what you'll need to do in order to deliver it well.

For example, you'll need to:

• Speak in a clear, calm voice
• Make eye contact with the audience
• Move through the slides smoothly

If you question "can I get her number?" when you see an attractive stranger, you'll realise you'll need to:

• Approach her with a smile
• Make sure she's not too busy
• Frame the interaction to let her know you think she's attractive

So for any task or goal that lies ahead of you, question your ability to achieve it and your brain will work with you to help you achieve it.

Finally, let's cover one personal thing I've realised this week...

3.) Not feeling "enough" is probably our parent's fault

Today I uploaded a video titled "how to manage your mind (what school failed to teach you)" which is an in-depth summary of Professor Steven Peters' book the chimp paradox.

In the second half of the video I speak about something called "the fridge door syndrome" which Peters mentions in his book.

To give you some context, Peters conceptualises our traumas and bad habits we've accumulated over the years as 'goblins' and says they are hard wired and difficult to change. And the "fridge door syndrome" is an example of a goblin our parents might have accidentally programmed into us when we were kids. Here's what it is...

The fridge door syndrome:

Imagine a child is at school and he has to draw a picture to take home to his parents. So he draws a picture and takes it home to show his mum and dad. As soon as he's home he rushes to show his parents and says; "Mum! Dad! Look what I drew for you!" to which his parents respond: "oh darling! How fantastic! You're so clever. We're going to stick this on the fridge door so everyone can see!"

But without realising it, what his parents have just communicated to their son is something much more sinister:

"You're self-worth is dependent on what you achieve. And you can only feel good about yourself when other people praise you."

So this child grows into an adult who always seeks external validation and only feels a sense of self-worth after he achieves something.

So what would have been a better message to send to the child?

"I'm proud of you no matter what you achieve. What do you think of the drawing? I like it. Would you like me to stick it on the fridge door?"

After explaining this in today's video, I couldn't help but feel we have a society of adults walking around not feeling "enough" because of how our parents tried to shower us with compliments.

Solutions:

• Praise your kids based on the effort they put in
• Live from a place of fullness where your achievements are bonuses - not the goal in itself or the source of your self-worth
• Don't teach people how to manage their kids if you don't have any yourself (note to self)

Thanks for reading,

Until next week!

Lew

Quote of the week:

P.s. Some new books came 👀