What Does It Actually Mean to be a Man?

No one has ever told me what it means to be a man.

As a teen I thought perhaps losing my virginity, having my first shave or conquering a village would mean I’ve arrived at manhood.

And although some of these things brought me intense joy… I was wrong.

If you’re a woman listening to this, you truly don’t know the pain of being a young man and having a woman you love look you in the eyes and demand that you “man up”. My ex girlfriend told me that before we broke up, and at the time I had no idea what she meant.

Growing up, I’d had some conversations with men about how to handle situations in a masculine way, but the men telling me seemed just as clueless as me and these conversations always involved a reading between the lines. Plus most of them were divorced, angry and probably hadn’t been told what it means to be a man either.

What I wanted was a masculinity manual.

By the time I was 18 (the legal age of adulthood in the UK), most boys my age were falling into drugs, going out every weekend getting obliterated, having a fight, cheating on their mrs again to then tell everyone at sixth form on a Monday that they’d had the best weekend of their life.

Alcohol, girls and undisciplined aggression. As a young man you get ridiculed if you don’t engage in these things.

I quickly learned that no one was writing the manual for me. I’d have to take the initial stages of becoming a man alone and in fact, what I needed wasn’t a manual at all. It was a rite of passage.

Between the ages of 18 - 21 I thought I was a man. But I wouldn’t have been able to answer the question “what does it mean to be a man?” because I hadn’t been through a break up yet, I had no clue what my purpose in life was and the maintenance of my mental health was boyish. And yet I still thought I was a man.

However, there is one thing I can tell you for certain about these years and that is where the journey of becoming a man began with me. It all began with a backpack and a dream.

The rite of passage I speak of happened when I was 18; I left the town I’d spent my whole life and solo travelled across Europe with one backpack. 2 months in I was working in a hostel where I was the only guy worker, all the other staff members were beautiful feminine Eastern European women. One night in the hostel I had a dream that my mum told me I was dead and upon waking I intuitively knew exactly what it meant. It wasn’t a sex dream don’t worry.

Because I was away from opportunities of hand holding and relying on others, surrounded by lands undiscovered and daunting missions never completed before, the boy in me had begun to die, and the man was being born.

This, and a fountain of other experiences that I’ll spare you have brought me to where I am today, 23 years old, holding the confidence to say I now know more about what it means to be a man than ever before in my life.

So get relaxed… Because now I’m going to share this knowledge with you.

A man is his own being. Unperturbed in his strength, he is like the great rock which stands still amidst the chaos of the ocean.

A true man cannot be shaken from his purpose nor misguided from his desire to protect others, especially his family and tribe members. He understands that, all things emanate from his inner fortress, which he continuously builds, strengthens and maintains. A strong man knows he cannot pour from an empty cup.

He is assertive, and this assertion is direct and calm. Primarily this comes from his connection to his values, principles and standards which guide all of his decision making. From the great man all things flourish because he is attentive and most importantly he is kingly in his own nature.

Among the great man are three social ties.

Number one is his ideal woman. With her, he is bonded in divine love. It is her he protects, loves and grows with. And he is responsible for the growth in their intimacy. She, the mage, polarises his masculine core with her femininity which compliments and challenges him. She is able to snap him out of the do mode which conspires most of his life. She loves him and is loyal to him because the great man doesn’t believe in an impossible love. He understands that his attraction to the feminine is inevitable, and it’s through this understanding that he continuously chooses his woman. He does not settle for cheap sex or invite lustful temptation into his heart. When he hears the call of the sirens he takes a full breath and continues rowing.

The second social tie a man has is his tribe. The tribe are the friends and family that the man protects, bolsters, shares with and celebrates life with. The great man understands that no man is an island, and it is through his tribe that his purpose is fine tuned, he is challenged to live to his edge and his service is actualised.

Number three is God. What distinguishes the average man from the great man is that the great man is guided by the creator, giver and destroyer. In awe of God, the great man walks humbly and he allows God to act through him. It is through this that the great man gets out of his own way, and allows the work of god (the man’s purpose) to be his gift to the world. And when the path gets tough, as inevitably it will, and the man finds himself losing his direction, he prays and accepts God’s strength, love and guidance and then returns immediately to his service.

In essence, the great man respects the 5 core tenants of action:

Unflinching presence and an open heart in each moment.

Consistent discipline with himself.

Courageous action with fortune.

Childlike playfulness with everyone.

Abundant love and fullness with his tribe.

He follows the 5 keys of health which are:

• Rational nutrition
• Sensible exercise
• Efficient rest
• Proper hygiene
• A warrior mentality

The 3 states of mind he cultivates are:

• Zanshin (Awareness)
• Mushin (Stillness)
• Fudoshin (emotional balance)
  

He serves others and the universe to the best of his ability. And he always acts as an embodiment of truth.

If there’s one key thing he understands its that the masculine is always seeking release from constraint and into freedom. When he forgets this, he chuckles, returns his mind to moment at hand and allows himself to be the freedom he’s always searching for.

Ultimately it is through his truth that the great man becomes a guide to the world, making others stronger in his presence and absence.

Finally, the great man understands that the ultimate test of his truth is his ability to willingly die, in service, at any given moment. In service to God, his tribe, his family, the universe and all others who need protecting and awakening into their truth.

And when his final moment comes, humbly by God’s side, he welcomes his old friend death with an open heart and a cunning grin.

As we bring this video to a close, you might be reflecting on the man we’ve just described and say “what a man! I would love to meet him. Who is he?”

This great man I speak of, is you.

“Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.”

• Marcus Aurelius

‍