Amigos and amigas...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

• 1 mental health tip
• 1 social skills tip
• 1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...‍

1.) Pre traumatic growth

You don't just have to learn from experiences after they happen (post traumatic growth).

You can learn from experiences before they happen (pre traumatic growth).

The next time you're afraid to make a decision because there are potentially big consequences at play, don't close your eyes, press the button of "decision made" and hope for the best.

Instead, get out a pen and paper and consider the following...

If this decision turned out to be a total disaster, what would that look like?

Note down all of the worst case scenarios that this decision could bring.

Then use "if/then" sentences to highlight how you'll solve these disasters if they arise.

Example 1: imagine you're making a decision of moving to a new city:

• Potential disaster = you'll fail to make friends and feel lonely.

If/then plan:

• If when I move there I begin to feel lonely, then I'll book at least 2 social events to attend each week.

Example 2: let's say you're unsure whether to go into a business partnership with someone.

• Potential disaster = you disagree on big decisions and your visions for the business don't align.

If/then plan:

• If it turns out we're not compatible as partners, then I'll raise this in a conversation and leave the deal.

Why does this work?

• Prepare for the obstacles in advance and they won't catch you by surprise.
• You also calm down your amygdala (brain region responsible for fear) and encourage yourself to think more rationally and strategically.

Go deeper...

• A meta analysis of 200 studies on goal setting found people who use if/then plans are about 300% more likely to achieve their goals.
• Consider checking out Chris Williamson's podcast with psychologist Adam Grant; skip to 31:00 for when they talk about this topic.
• Also check out Tim Ferris' version of this called fear setting
  

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) How to stop being a people pleaser

At heart, I'm a people pleaser.

Given the chance, I'd prefer to avoid conflict and I've caused major problems in my relationships by not admitting how I actually feel in case I hurt someone else's feelings.

But there's one thing that's been helping me snap out of this pattern...

If I find myself hesitating to tell the truth in case I hurt someone's feelings or wanting to avoid conflict, I remind myself: delayed conflict is always worse than short term conflict.

I can either face the heat now while it's small or leave it to grow larger and more intimidating later on.

Analogy: difficult conversations and telling the truth is like ripping off a plaster. Just get it done.

Extra bit of strength: people are a lot more capable of dealing with the truth than you think. Don't prolong your misery.‍

Go deeper...

• Feel free to check out this 20 minute video I uploaded all about people pleasing.
  

Now let’s finalise with this week’s personal realisation…

3.) Are you overcompensating for unmet needs with discipline?

Over the past few months I haven't been my normal disciplined self.

I've woken up later than I'd have liked to, "bad days" have become more frequent and some days I haven't wanted to wake up at all.

I'd spend most of the days working from morning to the afternoon but when the evening came I'd find myself scrolling youtube and giving in to my bad habits.

As I'd scroll youtube I'd see videos of other young men my age, fit as a fiddle, seizing life by the horns with their daily discipline and seemingly perfect lives whilst I'd think: "what's wrong with me? Why can't I just be disciplined and actually sort my life out?"

Eager to find a solution, I concluded I just need to be more disciplined.

So in order to "replace" my bad habits I tried to get myself to:

• Work more in the evenings
• Do an extra workout
• Spend my whole evenings meditating

But nothing worked.

In fact, trying to be more disciplined just made me feel more miserable and want to do my bad habits more.

So feeling fed up, I went on a walk the other day to finally get to the bottom of this.

But what I discovered surprised me. ‍

I realised I've been overcompensating for unmet social needs with discipline.

Because no matter how much discipline I try to cram into my evenings to replace my bad habits, the reality is: my bad habits offer me a distraction from the fact that I feel lonely in the evenings.

And I feel lonely because there are social needs of mine I'm not meeting.

The needs of: friendship. Connection. Adventure. Bonding.

Trying to solve the problem of unmet needs with more discipline is like trying to fix a burst pipe by increasing the water flow.

Dude... just fix the bloody pipe.

So my question to you is...

• In those areas in which you think you're undisciplined, is that truly the case?
• Or are there needs of yours going unmet that you're overcompensating for with more discipline?

Some food for thought for the rest of your week.

Thank you for reading.

Until next week!

Lew

Quote of the week:

Videos you might have missed:

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