You don't earn the right to be egotistic

"Whom the gods wish to destroy, they first call promising." - Cyril Connoll

Its 2019 and I’m on a coach going from the south of Portugal to Lisbon in the north.

I’ve never seen countryside like this before; green amongst desert. And the weather is warm with occasional cool breezes coming in through the window.

The coach is packed with other travellers and I’m excited. A new city, new opportunities and new people.

I’d just come from the south where I’d worked in possibly the worst hostel I’ve been in my life.

The coach is 1 hour away from Lisbon and I realise I have absolutely no idea what this city looks like. I don’t even know what my plans are for when I’m there. Perhaps I’ll actually try and learn some Portuguese this time I think.

The only thing I know that’s awaiting me is the hostel I’ve booked. The coach is pulling up to the station and I think; coaches usually have an amazing ability to park as far away from the main town as possible. And then it turns out, after the coach arrives, we couldn’t be further from the centre if we tried.

So I get off the coach, collect my bags, say Obrigado to the driver and after wondering around aimlessly lost for 30 minutes I get the 20 minute metro into the town centre.

Finally I get off the metro. Ascend the stairs and appear back into the light of the bustling city which is Lisbon. The heat hits me straight away and it takes my eyes a while to adjust to the light.

I’m 19 and I think; “woah! I’ve seen a lot of places before but this city is incredible.”

My jaw drops, and remains open for the next 30 minutes. Lisbon is like nothing I’ve seen before. The streets are alive with the footsteps of people from all over the world, salsa music is playing in a nearby street and the old fashioned trams are posing for photos from lively tourists as the sun glistens down upon everyone.

But then a thought enters my mind.

“I’m going to run this city”. I smirk, nob and I make my way to the hostel.

This comment I made, in the pangs of ego, summarises the next 2 months of my life. I had one of the worst times in my life, mentally, relationally and physically. I argued frequently with customers behind the bar I was working at, my relationship was failing, I would wander the streets most nights in a hazy, volatile gloom and my behaviour in general was boyish.

What I needed wasn’t a life changing make over, I needed one sentence;

Ego is the enemy.

Distillation:

You see, I never unpacked this experience until I was walking with my cousin Brandon and best friend Joe through the streets of Bristol 3 years later. In the height of our boisterous energy after having a social day out in the centre, we were walking back home and my cousin said “We own this city!” to which he thought me and Joe would both agree but before I could say anything Joe instantly responded “hell no!”.

We all laughed and then I told them the short story you’ve just heard about me in Lisbon. Brandon got the message straight away.

The lesson from these experiences isn’t just “avoid ego at all costs”. It’s something much deeper.

When a young man first experiences independence, the testosterone surge of accomplishing a workout, or one upping another man, if he doesn’t know how to control that power, that power will be his undoing.

He will use it to further shine his light to block out the glow of others. He’ll overestimate his abilities and that will either attract like minded egotistical people into his life or repel everyone with even the slightest hint of humility from his life. Arguably the people he needs to reign him in.

In my experience, at 19 years old when I made the serious comment to myself that I would “run” one of the largest cities in the world, I didn’t have any admirable men around me who I looked up to. Nor did I have a group of masculine friends around me to hold me accountable for my words.

There’s a common saying that men need other men to teach them how to be men.

More specifically, young boys need men to teach them how to be ambitious yet humble, dangerous but disciplined, ferocious but loving.

Four years after this experience, I’ve realised there is nothing to be gained from putting yourself on a pedestal convincing yourself you have earned the right to be punitive, dismissive, sarcastic and in general, an asshole towards others.

There are plenty of resources online about how to boost your self-esteem and confidence. But what hardly anyone tells you is that self-esteem and ego are stolen. Confidence, however, is based on evidence and is the only resource that can truly sustain you.

You earn the right to confidence through your actions. To use a quote, “in order to love yourself, behave in ways you admire”.

Ego whispers in your ear and tells you that talking about the work is enough. People should already respect you. Everyone should know how great you are.

But walking around in a state of illusion disconnects you from reality and the very people you’re trying to gain respect from.

Like a bird of prey who’s painstakingly placed their nest high in the mountains away from all the other birds yet in doing so has distanced themselves from opportunities of community and food, so too your ego will convince you you don’t need others, all you need is you, in fact other people are a hindrance, to be conquered, controlled, bent to your will because you always know what’s right. You must ascend far above all others, ego says, so you can throw pebbles at their insignificance from your place of high dwelling.

But what ego doesn’t realise is that those who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones.

Humility is always the antidote, and it means one very clear thing: wherever you go, you are the least important person in the room. Not because you think lowly of yourself, not because you don’t deserve respect, but because you are curious to learn from others. You’re not trying to assert your dominance through tiring others with remarks about your accomplishments. Instead you’re willing to give others the feeling of being valued and listened to because you want to improve, learn and absorb.

Confidence is calm.

Ego is loud.

There is nothing to talk about. No words of praise to be given or needed. No accomplishments to show to others.

There is only work to be done. And you know a workman by the chips they leave.

And gradually, with each act of service towards your long-term best interests and to helping the lives of others, you stack the votes in favour of your confidence.

Your magnetic confidence and self-respect comes from mastering your animalistic impulses daily, through doing the hard work even when you don’t feel like it, and through taking the utmost care of yourself and others as if you’re someone you’re responsible for helping.

"People can get lucky and win. People can be assholes and win. Anyone can win. But not everyone is the best possible version of themselves." - Ryan Holiday

As Ryan Holiday highlights in his book Ego is The Enemy, there are only three contexts which you need to beware of ego. Aspiration, success and failure.

In summary; during the aspirational phase of any endeavour (a purpose project, your YouTube channel, workout program) do the grunt work necessary and revel in it. Always keep your focusing on doing, not being.

“Let the others slap each other on the back while you're back in the lab or the gym or pounding the pavement. Plug that hole right in the middle of your face that can drain your vital life force. Watch what happens. Watch how much better you get." - Ryan Holiday

When successful, don’t tell yourself and others the story that this is what you’d planned all along. Don’t make it about yourself. Keep it about the work. In fact, when successful this is when you must be most cautious, because here the temptations of ego will strike with a vengeance.

So when successful, downplay your success. Convince yourself it was a failure almost. Because then you’ll get straight back to the only thing that matters. The only thing that brings you joy. The thing it was all about in the first place.

The work.

And then, when you inevitably fail, you use it as one cue. To get straight back to the aspirational phase.

"When success begins to slip from your fingers - for whatever reason - the response isn't to grip and claw so hard that you shatter it to pieces. It's to understand that you must work yourself back to the aspirational phase. You must get back to first principles and best practices." - Ryan Holiday

So there’s no need to win an argument, gain status, achieve a position or title. There’s no need to prove your point. Live now. Bite your tongue. Only speak the truth. Don’t aim to explain or ‘win’. For the win is an illusion of victory. True personal victory comes everyday, through the seemingly small choices you make.

Never forget, ego is the enemy.

"There is no one to perform for, there is just work to be done and lessons to be learned, in all that is around us." - Ryan Holiday