You Will Never Feel Satisfied (and that’s ok)

It’s the summer of 2019 and I’m sat on a sheet of plaster board in a huge, half-built fruit warehouse.

I can feel the sun beaming in through the warehouse because the windows haven’t been put in yet so there are huge gaps in the walls. I’ve spent the last 3 months looking out of these gaps into the countryside fantasising about leaving this place.

I’ve been working as a labourer in this warehouse, in the middle of the British countryside for the last 6 months. And it’s been hell.

My work here has largely consisted of boredom. Which is dangerous because when men who work on a construction site are bored and without the materials they need to work, they take the piss, argue and try and one up each other through showering their narcissistic self-celebration on others.

“Ahh, I worked in a millionaires house once. Yeah I drink 5 cans a night and the mrs doesn’t bat an eyelid”.

For 3 months I’ve worked directly with one of the biggest narcissists I’ve ever met and with a psychopath who’s about as volatile as a 2 year old on cocaine. And because I’m not the typical 19 year old who goes out drinking every night and speaks about women all of the time, I’m the prime target for banter when everyone is bored.

The psychopath, a bald middle aged English man covered in tattoos once threatened to punch me after I gave him a lift home from work. And the narcissist, a fully haired middle aged English man who was slightly overweight, once started a huge argument with me first thing on a Monday morning because I forgot he had gone canoeing on the weekend. So instead of asking “how was it?” I accidentally asked “how was your weekend?”. “You’re joking right? How do you not know where I was?” He said in annoyance.

I’ve now learned my lesson, always remember everything a narc tells you. Or just punch them square in the face whenever you get the opportunity.  

A breeze dances through the warehouse and I turn around to see the men, hard hats on, going about their jobs. I’m sat by the loading bay with my hard hat off, and if I get caught not wearing it by the site manager I could get kicked off the site. But I couldn’t give a shit because today is my last day. Hence I’m sat alone, taking stock on the last 6 months of my life.

1 week ago I finally plucked up the courage to tell my boss I’m leaving. “I can’t do it anymore, working in construction isn’t for me” I told him. And to my shock he didn’t kill me.

But then my gloomy rumination turns to heart racing excitement as my phone buzzes, it’s 3 o’clock, I only have 1 hour left until I leave this place forever. I better go out to the yard and say my goodbyes.

I man hug the psycho goodbye and he says “take care of yaself”. Then the narc walks with me to my car. We reflect on the last 3 months working together and I realise saying goodbye is harder than I thought.

Our cars are parked together in the small car park around a 1 minute walk away from where I was sat earlier. We take our hi-vis jackets and dusty steel-capped boots off, I put my trainers on and thank him for the odd few lessons he’s taught me despite the narcissism. We shake hands and conclude it wasn’t so bad working together.

Yeah, in hindsight.

I say goodbye to everyone else and slowly walk back to my car. I turn around to look at the warehouse and breathe a sigh of exhilarated relief. Finally! I’ve done it! I am released from hell! And I never have to come back.

So I get in my car, slowly pull out of the construction sight and begin the 20 minute drive home across country roads. As soon as I turn left out of the construction site I accelerate the car straight down the narrow road and SCREAM!!! FREEDOM! Music on, dancing begins, finally I can celebrate! The shackles have been released!

I’m screaming so much from excitement I start coughing and then remember oh damn I’m driving I should probably concentrate.

As soon as I get home I have a shower. I spend the rest of the day with a wide grin on my face. Words cannot express how I feel. Exhilarated, thrilled, relieved all miss the mark. I feel like a teenager who’s just finished 5 years of school where he was taught by violent and volatile teachers, and he never has to return to education again.

I spend the whole night doing whatever I want with the full awareness I don’t have to wake up tomorrow and go to work. Ahhh, bliss.

Finally its 9pm. I’m exhausted. So I put my head on my pillow and sleep like a baby.

But then my phone buzzes. The grey gloomy glow from the morning sky is creeping in through the window and I can hear the birds screeching outside.

It’s 8am the following morning and I feel… different.

I don’t feel how I felt yesterday, in fact I feel off. Hazy. Confused.

“Wait, I’m supposed to be happy? I’ve just been released from hell? I thought I’d feel the freedom and joy forever?” Thoughts of confusion rush through my mind until I get up, sit at the edge of my bed right in front of my mirror and they disappear to leave only one sober, dissatisfying thought…

“I’m unemployed. What the hell do I do now?”.

Mini distillation:

I’ve quit many jobs in the past and I’ve had the same feeling with each one.

I think, when I quit this job my life will be complete. And perhaps for a moment life does feel complete. Usually on the car ride home.

But every single time I complete something, I always feel a corresponding dissatisfaction or depression. As if that completion was but a minor stitch in life’s tapestry. And then I become plagued with the thought of crisis. What do I do now? Is that really what I wanted?

Even though in the story above leaving the construction site was the right decision, in a more general sense, why do we continuously imagine a better life than the one we have? Why are we continuously dissatisfied even though we know there are numerous reasons to be grateful? Why after having a deep realisation do we think life is complete? Only to find out a week later we’ve forgotten what we’ve realised. And why do we constantly imagine a better life with a different partner than the one we have?

It’s this balance between pleasure and dissatisfaction, joy and depression, progress and stagnation that I’ve been fascinated with for the past 5 years. And it’s this human issue, perhaps the most human issue there is, ‘the grass is always greener syndrome’ that we’re going to remedy right now.

And we’re going to tackle it from two angles: neuroscience and spirituality.

The molecule of more:

One year after working on the construction site, I read a groundbreaking book called the Molecule of More. So far, this book has provided the most satisfying explanation and remedy for the grass is always greener syndrome which plagues all of us.

The book is written by two neuroscientists and it centres on the neuromodulators dopamine and the here and now molecules.

Essentially, dopamine is the chemical your brain releases when anticipating a future reward. It is found in around 1% of your cells but it has dominating effects on these cells.

Dopamine is released when you are in pursuit of something. For example, when hiking a mountain you release dopamine in pursuit of reaching the peak, not in appreciation of when you actually get there. In fact, when you have reached the peak, gazing out to the valley in the distance would release further dopamine to pursue it.

Dopamine also responds to anything which fulfils a survival need; be it sex or food.

So the dopamine circuit is an excellent salesman, but it comes without a conscience.

Enter the H&N molecules…

Referred to as the ‘here and now’ molecules, serotonin, oxytocin, endocanabanoids are what your brain releases when you are experiencing something in the present moment. It could be appreciation, love, joy or anxiety, fear, sadness.

Your brain releases these molecules when you arrive at the peak of the mountain, share a good meal with your family or cuddle with the mrs after having sexy time.

Most importantly, these two circuits work in opposition in the brain.

For example, H&N molecules cancel out dopamine and vice versa.

But what’s the point of having a system with opposing components?

Good question. It’s necessary because there are times in your life where you’ll need to appreciate what you have and other times where you’ll need to be resourceful and work towards achievement.

The best analogy for this is a car, which has both an accelerator and a break. If cars had just one unified system, they wouldn’t move anywhere because we need the accelerator to get us moving and the break to help us slow down.

To illustrate further how dopamine and H&Ns work together, imagine Michelangelo creating his masterpiece Pietà, a marble sculpture of Mary holding Jesus.

He needed the dopaminergic experience of creativity to imagine the work and begin crafting it alongside the H&N experience of being able to experience the gestures of women in real life and the feeling of grief.

As a side note, perhaps you’ve long pondered what causes the phenomenon of ‘post nut clarity’ or ‘post one night stand remorse’.

Let me introduce you to Billy.

Billy is a 23 year old man who’s walking to his local town to go clubbing for the night. He’s looking good, smells nice and is on the hunt for a young female. He’s at the club and begins dancing with Jessica. They both find each other attractive and are looking for one thing only. The most primitive act known to man.

So at 11pm they ditch the club head back to Billy’s apartment and do the deed. Straight after they finish, Billy goes to the toilet to have a shower and looks at himself in the mirror. “Ahhh, what have I done. I feel so empty. Now I have to go and talk to her. This is going to be so awkward”.

Jessica, lying on the bed while Billy is in the shower thinks “why doesn’t he want to cuddle. I feel disgusting, why do I always do this?”.

Billy comes out of the shower and awkwardly says to Jessica “erm, it’s probably best if you go”. Jessica, in a remark of relief says “yeah, I was thinking the same thing”. She gets up, leaves and both Billy and Jessica spend the next week thinking about why the experience was so shallow.

Let’s dissect this…

Dopamine is what drove Billy and Jessica to sleep with each other. But dopamine is of course a future oriented molecule. So, when sexy time ends and everyone has orgasmed, because they haven’t established a meaningful, present bond between each other there is no opportunity for the H&N molecules to replace the dopamine circuit. Hence they both feel shallow after the experience.

But, contrast this with James and Bella who have been in a relationship for 5 years, didn’t have sex until 3 months into the relationship and always spend time hugging and laughing in bed after making love. They get the dopamine release counterbalanced with H&N molecules because love is present and love is a H&N experience.

So, back to the topic at hand before we get too lost in sidetones about orgasms, the conclusion of the book entertains that the key to a fulfilling life, and the future of the human race, will depend on our ability to balance our appreciation of the here and now alongside our pursuit for more.

Too much H&N experience will make you stagnant. As evolutionary psychologist Robert Wright says: “in order for animals to be motivated they cannot be enduringly gratified”.

Too much dopamine, however, will leave you perpetually dissatisfied.

In conclusion, the key is to be satisfied whilst focusing on growth.

Hence the authors argue balancing intellectual and creative thought whilst pursuing something in the here and now are keys to happiness. (More on how to do this in a minute).

Before we reach the conclusion and protocols for dealing with life dissatisfaction, let’s see what spirituality has to say about this.

The spiritual answers to dissatisfaction:

Sometimes to understand a problem is to solve it. And that’s what spiritual answers help us do.

Buddha said that life is Dukkha (suffering) but he didn’t mean that it’s all unhappiness and disappointment. Rather, he meant that it cannot ‘satisfy’. Because even if you do experience some form of satisfaction (a new car, a wonderful meal, loving time with friends) it never lasts because all things are impermanent.

So technically, according to Buddha, life isn’t suffering, life is dissatisfaction.

Buddhists also believe in Saṃsāra which is the repeated process of birth, mundane existence and dying again. Saṃsāra embodies Dukkha (suffering) and is fuelled by desire and avidya (ignorance).

According to buddhists, your rebirths occur in six realms of existence. Three good realms; heavenly, demi-god, human and three evil realms; animal, ghosts, hellish. But the wheel of Saṃsāra ends if you attain nirvana which means the “blowing out” of your desires and awakening to the truths of impermanence (all things change) and non-self reality (you don’t exist).

The meaning of life for buddhists is to ‘see life as it is’ and to dispel with the illusions our mind crafts. This state of piercing through to the essential is achieved through meditation.

The British philosopher Alan Watts also had something to say about this.

In his book ‘this is it’ Watts begins by saying: “As we now know him, the human being seems to be a trap set to catch himself”.

He also highlights how the remedy to tension and chronic life dissatisfaction is to embrace our humanity:

“Man cannot control himself unless he accepts himself. In other words, before he can change his course of action he must first be sincere, going with and not against his nature, even when the immediate trend of his nature is toward evil, toward a fall”.

Therefore, to combat the fact that life is dissatisfaction, what is needed isn’t a life hack or new technique but a new kind of man or woman. Because, as an old taoist text says “when the wrong man uses the right means, the right means work in the wrong way”.

And this man or woman, in the same way as a car driver must prevent a crash by turning into the direction of the skid, is like the adept in Zen who “manages to be human with the same artless grace and absence of inner conflict with which a tree is a tree”. He turns toward his nature, not against it.

“Although possessed of complete inner freedom, he [the adept in zen] is not, like the libertine, in revolt against social standards, nor, like the self-righteous, trying to justify himself. He is all of a piece with himself and with the natural world, and in his presence you feel that without strain or artifice he is completely “all here” - sure of himself without the slightest trace of aggression.”

Watts also shows us that enlightenment requires no striving since we already live in the eternal present and are manifestations of the divine reality. But we pretend forgetfulness of this truth so we can enjoy the adventure of self-discovery.

“There’s no point in going on living unless we make the assumption that the situation of life is optimal. That, really and truly, we’re all in a state of total bliss and delight, but we’re going to pretend we aren’t just for kicks. You play non-bliss in order to be able to experience bliss. And you can go as far out as non-bliss as you want to go. And when you wake up, it’ll be great.”

What this perspective offers is the opposite of a ‘cure’. Instead it is an understanding. And through the light of understanding we can keep our ailments at hand instead of lying in wait for a time when we are magically cured from life dissatisfaction and continuously wanting more because that time is never coming. Human nature is hard wired to be this way so we can be free from wishing it was otherwise. In fact we would do well to work with it.

Lastly, the spiritual manual for men ‘the way of the superior man’ has something to say on this topic from the lens of purpose.

It posits that feeling dissatisfied after having completed something such as a project or purpose in our life, is due to us framing it as failure. However, we should realise that fully living a lesser purpose to its end is a sign of growth to propel us closer to our deepest purpose.

In summary, there is one thing I can say with utmost certainty:

The default state of human beings is dissatisfaction.

Therefore, if I am going to stretch myself to offer anything in the way of a cure it would be this:

Understand that you cannot avoid the inner need to progress and grow. Therefore, the key is to design your life so that you have time for dopaminergic progression and here and now appreciation.

In essence, the ultimate state in life is to feel progress towards your goals whilst enjoying every step of the way. So set a 12 month celebration goal and add one key sentence to the end; “in 12 months time I will celebrate having done x whilst enjoying every step of the way”.

Understand that anytime you deviate from your routine which is centred around the balance of pursuit and the restoration of present appreciation, you are in the murky waters of anxiety and despair from not progressing. But don’t interpret that to mean you always need to stick to your routine lest you become unhappy because you will have times when you’re not progressing as much. And you will feel dissatisfied because of it. But as we’ve discussed, that’s fine. Use it to reorient yourself back to the mission.

Finally, the freedom from constraint you’re continuously searching for can only be found now. In fact, it’s now or never. You are either opening into the truth of who you are or you’re closing into the tension of who you could be. Live fully now. Dissatisfied or satisfied. Loving or despairing. And when you begin opening you realise that from now until the day you depart this world, the creative challenge is to tussle and make love with the present moment whilst giving your unique gifts to the world.

That is an infinite game you can play. And when the game is infinite, you are at rest from worrying about what game to play next.

You cannot not progress. So choose what to progress towards and view feeling dissatisfied as a gift we all share.

The best quote I have found to encapsulate all of this information is:

“Live everyday as if you’ll die tonight, farm as if you’ll live forever.”

Thank you for reading.