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You and I both know your biggest enemy is yourself.

It’s you who sabotages your life and acts in inconsistent ways.

For example:

- Being productive is on your schedule today but you feel like scrolling. So you scroll, but while you scroll a voice in your head makes you feel guilty.

- You know you shouldn’t overthink that person’s text message but your anger is telling you otherwise.

- You want to accept the invitation to that event but your anxiety is telling you no.

Surely natural selection got the wiring of us humans wrong?

Why can’t you just do what you say you will without having to argue with the 100 other parts of you that want different things?

But don’t just take my word for it…

As we learn from psychoanalysis, there are multiple characters within you that all want your attention.

‍- Your shadow wants destruction.

- Your self wants actualisation.

- Your jester wants sabotage and foolery.

- Your coward wants escape.

- Your hero wants the spotlight.

And as we learn from neuroscience, there are multiple brain regions demanding your attention in each moment and they all want different things.

- Your amygdala wants you to freak out.

- Your dorsal striatum wants you to do whatever you've done before.

- Your pre frontal cortex wants you do to whatever will get you closer to your goals.

To put it simply; it seems your higher self is always one step behind your lower self. So we wouldn’t be wrong to use the cliche; it’s you vs you.

But what does that even mean?

It means you are your own worst enemy because:

• You don’t accept there are multiple parts of you that want different things.
• You ignore these parts of yourself instead of negotiating with them, so instead of working with you, they grow against you.
  

And these multiple different parts of you (your desires, emotions, impulses, goals, personalities) are all sat round the negotiation table of your life. And whatever one wins at the negotiation table determines the outcome of your life. Every-single-day.

For years I’ve stood helplessly at the negotiation table while these voices argue, trying to get a word in until my impulse wins the show and I’m sat scrolling unusual memes again.

But it wasn't until 3 months ago that I finally found a solution to living in self conflict…

Self-negotiation.‍

Self-negotiation involves treating yourself like a business partner sat across the table from you who wants a better deal.

As pushy, rude, demanding and scary as your counterpart may seem, you must realise you’re only going to strike an agreement if you treat your partner with empathy, respect and rapport.

As the therapist Josh Burnet says…

“Imagine your mind as a diverse boardroom filled with different voices, each representing various aspects of your personality, values, fears, and desires. Self-negotiation involves inviting all these voices to the table and allowing them to express themselves openly and honestly. It's about understanding the needs and motivations behind each voice and finding a way to harmonize conflicting interests to reach resolutions that benefit your overall well-being.”

In a business context:

- You wouldn’t completely ignore what your partner is saying because they might agree but then sabotage the deal later on.

- You wouldn’t scream and shout at them to get your point across because that would diminish the rapport between you.

- You wouldn’t submit to their wants at the expense of yourself because that would ruin your character.

No.

Ideally you’d approach the deal with the objective of satisfying both parties whilst maintaining the rapport between you both.

So this is the first step of self-negotiation and building a coherent relationship with yourself;

• realising you are not a unified whole.
• despite how great it would be to never need to reason with yourself, you're always going to be sat at the self-negotiation table.

Secondly, to become a master self-negotiator you must steer the ship on which all of these parts of you are crew members of by returning to the ship's helm whenever chaos breaks out, so you can gain perspective of the crew members and observe their actions and concerns.

But back to the real world...

All of this is easier said than done.

So whether you want to be more focused, stop a bad habit, control your emotions or otherwise just have a conflict free relationship with yourself, here are 5 quick and easy things you can learn now to sharpen your skill of self-negotiation.

- Going to the balcony.

- Finding your BATNA.

- Reframing your picture

- Respecting 'even if'

- Giving and receiving

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But before we get into that, let’s zoom out to consider the bigger picture here…

One of the most well known negotiation books to date is William Ury’s getting to yes.

In the book, published in 1981, Ury explores how to invite other people into collaboration while negotiating rather than falling into the gridlock of a win-lose deal where each person tries to win at the expense of the other.

But following the books worldwide success, Ury published getting to yes with yourself in 2016 after realising; most barriers we face in negotiating with others isn’t the other person, but ourselves. If we fail to negotiate first with our needs, wants and desires, we’ve lost the negotiation from the get go. To strike a win win deal with another person, you must first strike and win win deal with yourself.

And little did Ury know some bald British bloke with a moustache would use his techniques as a way to improve mental health.

So here are the 5 ways to self-negotiate so you can stop being your own worst enemy.
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1.) Going to the balcony.

Returning to our business negotiation example, let’s imagine the negotiations between you and your partner are getting heated. You’ve reached a stalemate and neither of you are agreeing.

What’s best while the emotions are still high isn’t to plough forward into the conversation but to step back and allow both of you room to breathe.

This is what going to the balcony is; detaching yourself from the situation to gain perspective and to…

• Identify the voices
• Listen actively
  

The bigger picture here…

When negotiating with other people, Ury argued the biggest mistake we make is over-empathising with the other person at the expense of ourselves.

In a self-conflict context, the biggest mistake we make is focusing on the conflict itself and our judgements towards it rather than the needs the different parts of want to meet.

To give you an example:

- Let’s imagine you’ve woken up in a foul mood. You’ve got a to-do list up to your ears but the thought of tackling it seems impossible. So as you're lying paralysed in bed, you reach for your phone to give yourself some emotional relief.

- But you know continuing to scroll will get your day off to a bad start. So instead of judging yourself for now having your phone in your hand, you pause the decision of whether to scroll or not and go for a quick walk around the block to clear your head and…

1.1.) Identify the voices

Start by recognising the different voices within you with an attitude of inquiry and curiosity.

• Who’s at the negotiation table right now?
• What are the two voices in conflict?
  

In our example, this might sound like…

- “Ah, so I’m not feeling it today. My monkey mind just wants to go on my phone all day. But deep down my higher reasoning will make me feel guilty for scrolling.”

It’s important to put a name of the voices that arise because what you name you can tame.

Some names for you to consider are:

• The part of you that wants self-actualisation = the human
• The part of you that wants anything impulsive/immediate = the chimp
  

1.2) Listen actively

Most importantly, you want to invite each part of you to reveal…

- What needs does this part of you want to meet?

For example:

• “What does my monkey mind hope to achieve by scrolling? Relief from stress and discomfort. What does my human hope to achieve with deep work? Productivity and progress.”
  

If you struggle here, you can keep asking why until you get to the root of the problem:

• I want to scroll. Why? Because I can’t be bothered to work. Why? Because I don’t have the energy. Why? Because I don’t feel motivated. Why? Because the tasks on my to do list seem to intimidating.
• Need = relief stress.
  

Why is this important?

By highlighting the need this part of you wants, rather than the action, you give yourself more options of how to meet it (which will help you in part 2: find your BATNA)

Here’s an example to illustrate this…

Imagine 4 women living in a house together. They share one car between the 4 of them. But one day, it just so happens they all need to use the car.

One needs the car to get to work, another to get to the dentist, another for shopping and the last woman wants to go to the beach.

So they spend all morning arguing over who gets to use the car but can’t reach an agreement.

Mainly because they’re stuck on a solution rather than the need.

The need = the women need transport.

By highlighting the need, they can realise there is more than one way to meet that need (they can take a bus, lift from a friend, train, bike etc.).

So by uncovering the need you solve the root problem of the conflict.

This allows you to detach from the situation and resist the urge to act destructively and then judge yourself.

Instead; on your walk you kickstart the negation with a spirit of curiosity and inquiry.

But most importantly, you work to find your BATNA (best alternative to a negotiated agreement).

2.) Find your inner BATNA.

So now you’re on a walk and you’ve outlined there are two parts of you in conflict.

- Your monkey mind wants you to scroll the day away because it wants to fulfil the need of escaping discomfort.

- Your human wants to seize the day by ticking everything off your to do list to fulfil the need of actualisation.

What’s the BATNA?

Your BATNA would be finding a solution that satisfies both parties and perhaps introduces them to options they haven't yet considered.

Back to our example, you’ve realised:

• One part of you wants to scroll on the Internet to meet the underlying need of stress relief
• One part of you wants to knuckle down on focused deep work to meet the need of productivity
• So now you’ve highlighted the 2 needs = stress relief & productivity
• Sidestep the blame game by expanding your options and ask: what could I do to meet both of these needs? (Not should)
• Your answer to that question = your BATNA

In this case, you could strategise to work on ticking half of the things off your to-do list (so as to satisfy your human), whilst organising your work environment so it’s as comfortable as possible (so as to satisfy your monkey mind).

For example, you could:

- Make a cup of tea to drink while you work.

- Eat while you work.

- Listen to cool music in the background.  

- Only work in 20 minute intervals, stop after 5 intervals and then scroll on youtube.

The alternate would be to use willpower to ignore one part of yourself in favour of the other.

For example:

• Ignoring your monkey mind so you can focus
• But whatever you ignore will grow against you and seek revenge
• Just like a business partner who submits to you out of fear would likely undermine the deal later on
  

To give you one more example, let’s look at social anxiety:

• Imagine you’ve been practicing Italian for the last 6 months and you finally go to Italy
• You’re in a tourist area but you want to practice your Italian
• So you decide to go to a cafe to order in Italian but you feel a wave of anxiety overcome you
• You’re now in conflict
• You might take a moment before you walk in to consider
• What parts of me are in conflict?
• Anxiety & accomplishment
• What needs do these parts want to meet
• Anxiety = wants avoidance from embarrassment and stress
• Accomplishment = wants to achieve a goal (ordering in Italian)
• BATNA = you decide to ask a tourist guide a question in Italian before you go to the cafe whilst telling them your Italian isn’t the best so to boost your confidence

Here are 3 more things that will help you find your BATNA:

1. Establish Priorities: Set clear priorities based on your values and long-term vision. Use these as a guiding compass during the negotiation process.

2. Seek Common Ground: Look for commonalities and shared goals among the different voices. Even in conflicting desires, there might be underlying needs that align.

3. Ask: what am I willing to do?

• If time is against you and you’re working towards a deadline and one part of you isn’t on board, consult that part of you individually and ask what it’s willing to do
• Am I willing to work for 5 minutes? Am I willing to work for 30 minutes? I start small and then re-assess after your 5 minutes of work and ask yourself if you’re willing to do more.
  

How long will it take to find your BATNA?

It could take 5 minutes, it could take 30.

You’ll know when you’ve found it because the parts of you in disagreement will quieten down and you'll finally feel as if all the parts of you are working in unison.

But regardless of how long it takes or how strange it might seem to do this with yourself, taking the time to reach a self-negotiated agreement could be what results in you having a day of peace rather than a wasteful day of useless guilt and revenge bedtime procrastination.

Before we finalise here are 3 more quick and helpful tips that’ll aid your self-negotiation…

3.) Reframe your picture

Conflicts break out in negotiations when both people want to reach a win-win by increasing the size of the pie but they have a scarcity mindset by believing the size of the pie is fixed in size.

So the conflict becomes; how can I protect my piece of the pie and win yours? (Win-lose).

So the solution to this is view your self-negotiation not as a contest, as in one part of you wins and another loses, but as collaboration.

You’re not an emery to yourself. You’re an ally.

When you adopt this approach, you’ll notice how many more opportunities for collaboration open up.

4.) Respect them “even if”

Speaking of treating yourself like an enemy rather than an ally, surprise yourself by breaking the cycle of attacking and rejecting yourself and instead treat yourself with respect and inclusion.

You’ll naturally be doing this anyway by working to find the needs of all the different parts of you with curiosity and inquiry, but it’s worth mentioning again so you can form this way of being into an attitude.

Ultimately, self-negotiation is a process of self-discovery and growth. But it can only be facilitated with patience and compassion.

5.) Give and receive

The principle of treat others how you’d like to be treated works with yourself as well.

By paying attention to the different parts of you and enacting the integrity to follow through on your promises, those parts of you will quieten down and come on your side.

Much like a dog which acts hostile towards you at first but then softens up after you offer it some treats.

So that’s the process of self-negotiation:

1.) First realise you’re not a unified hole.

2.) Accept you’re going to have to self-negotiate.

- Going to the balcony.

- Finding your BATNA.

- Reframing your picture

- Respecting even if

- Giving and receiving

But before we end, I’d just like to add one caveat to the self-negotiation process.

If you’re finding yourself having to self-negotiate the same thing again and again, you’d benefit from setting rules and habits

Trying to control your behaviour is hard.

So too is making decisions.

But most people try to control their behaviour by making the same decisions every day:

- Should I eat healthy today or not?

- Should I workout today or not?

- Should I get dressed and go for a walk today? Or sleep in, put netflix on, make a grilled cheese sandwich and spend the whole day picking my nose?

A better alternative however, is to set rules.

That way, you don't have to waste energy making the same decisions each day. Instead, you can follow a system that's primed for consistency.

The bigger picture...

The standard approach of changing your behaviour is to:

Set a goal ➡️ Work towards it ➡️ Achieve it ➡️ Default to your old behaviour.

For example:

- You wake up

- You ask yourself: "should I workout today?"

- You decide: "yes"

- You go to the gym and workout

- Then each day after that you keep asking yourself the same question until one day you answer "no"

- Suddenly 2 weeks have passed and you haven't been to the gym

On the other hand, setting rules leaves no time for questioning.

You set the rule and you follow it.

End of.

For example, some rules could include:

- I workout each day unless I'm severely injured.

- I only watch 2x educational youtube videos per day at 7pm.

- I only eat desert on Fridays.

- I don't check my phone in the mornings until I've done 3 things.

- For each new thing I buy I get rid of 1 old thing.

Setting rules instead of constantly making the same decisions everyday saves you time, energy and brain points you can focus on other things.

They also give you clear feedback on when you've broken them.

Meaning, if you ever feel guilty due to your actions you can use that guilt as helpful feedback to check whether you're living in line with your rules.

- If you're not living in line with your rules = that's why you feel guilty.

- If you feel positive emotion and as if you're on the right path = you're sticking to your rules.

But if the word "rules" doesn't work for you, consider the term "healthy self boundaries".

As Nedra Glover Tawwab the author of set boundaries find peace says...

"The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you'll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It's your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses."

So my questions to you are...‍

- In what areas of your life could you trade constant decision making for a rule?

- How could you organise your life so upholding that rule is as easy and attractive as possible?‍

Finally, a last warning on self-negotiation…
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You must always keep your skill of self negotiation sharp. Because no matter how peaceful the unison feels now, you can rest assured more disagreements are coming. But with your sword of self negotiation sharpened, you'll be well equipped to go to the balcony and then find your BATNA when those disagreements come.

In the words of negotiation expert William Ury...

Self negotiation comes down to dedicating yourself to a "strong, unconditional commitment to ourselves to take care of our deepest needs, no matter what other people do or don’t do."‍

So remember: you're not a unified whole and you're going to have to treat yourself like a disagreeable business partner.

‍Forever.  ‍

‍Finally, my questions to you are:

- What could your version of "going to the balcony" be?

- How could you better remind yourself to self negotiate throughout the day?

- What is something you need to self negotiate on right now?

Thank you for reading,

Lew