Amigos and amigas...

The big 3 newsletter is here!

1 mental health tip

1 social skills tip

1 personal reflection

Let's dive straight into this week's mental health tip...

1.) Self-Rules

Trying to control your behaviour is hard.

So too is making decisions.

But most people try to control their behaviour by making the same decisions every day:

- Should I eat healthy today or not?

- Should I workout today or not?

- Should I get dressed and go for a walk today? Or sleep in, put netflix on, make a grilled cheese sandwich and spend the whole day picking my nose?

A better alternative however, is to set rules.

That way, you don't have to waste energy making the same decisions each day. Instead, you can follow a system that's primed for consistency.

The bigger picture...

The standard approach of changing your behaviour is to:

Set a goal ➡️ Work towards it ➡️ Achieve it ➡️ Default to your old behaviour.

For example:

- You wake up

- You ask yourself: "should I workout today?"

- You decide: "yes"

- You go to the gym and workout

- Then each day after that you keep asking yourself the same question until one day you answer "no"

- Suddenly 2 weeks have passed and you haven't been to the gym

On the other hand, setting rules leaves no time for questioning.

You set the rule and you follow it.

End of.

For example, some rules could include:

- I workout each day unless I'm severely injured.

- I only watch 2x educational youtube videos per day at 7pm.

- I only eat desert on Fridays.

- I don't check my phone in the mornings until I've done 3 things.

- For each new thing I buy I get rid of 1 old thing.

Setting rules instead of constantly making the same decisions everyday saves you time, energy and brain points you can focus on other things.

They also give you clear feedback on when you've broken them.

Meaning, if you ever feel guilty due to your actions you can use that guilt as helpful feedback to check whether you're living in line with your rules.

- If you're not living in line with your rules = that's why you feel guilty.

- If you feel positive emotion and as if you're on the right path = you're sticking to your rules.

But if the word "rules" doesn't work for you, consider the term "healthy self boundaries".

As Nedra Glover Tawwab the author of set boundaries find peace says...

"The ability to say no to yourself is a gift. If you can resist your urges, change your habits, and say yes to only what you deem truly meaningful, you'll be practicing healthy self-boundaries. It's your responsibility to care for yourself without excuses."

So my question to you is...

In what areas of your life could you trade constant decision making for a rule?

How could you organise your life so upholding that rule is as easy and attractive as possible?

Go deeper...

I got this principle from Shane Parrish's book clear thinking. It's awesome. I'm currently halfway through reading it.

Now let's cover this week's social skills tip...

2.) "I can't" vs "I don't"

Setting rules is a great way to control your behaviour.

But it's also a great way to convey self-respect to other people.

To elaborate, when you say "I can't" in response to someone offering you something or asking you to do something, it implies an external force is limiting your behaviour. However, when you say “I don’t...” in response to the offering, you speak from a place of empowered choice.

For example:

- If someone offers you a slice of cake and you say "sorry, I can't. I'm on a diet." you imply you're not fully in control of your behaviour and the diet is limiting you from eating the cake.

- But if you respond with "sorry, I don't eat cake." you convey you are acting based on a rule of yours, all of which people respect.

In the words of Shane Parrish:

"People question decisions, but they follow rules."

The bigger picture...

A study which Jonah Berger references in his book Magic Words, got 2 groups of people interested in healthy eating to say either “I can’t eat this” or “I don’t eat this” when facing the temptation to eat junk food. But when the study finished and the participants were handing in their survey, the researchers offered them a chocolate bar as a way of saying thank you for their participation. And the results showed 75% of the “I can’t” group took the chocolate bar, whereas the number of people who took it in the “I don’t” group was cut in half.

So when you say “I don’t” in response to someone’s request, you not only signal to others that you are principled and are acting in line with your standards, but you increase your chances of following your rule.

To see a real life example of this, check out Dr. K's response to Steven Bartlett when asked “what do you think about Andrew Tate” on his podcast. Dr K. brilliantly responded with “as a general rule, I don’t speak about people I don’t speak to” which Steven respected, as did many people in the comments.

So the next time someone asks or offers you to do something you don't want to, think of a rule you could communicate to them with the phrase "I don't" and they'll not only respect you more as a person, but they'll respect your rule.

For example:

- "I don't make decisions over the phone."

- "I don't talk about ex partners."

- "I don't stay in conversations that involve gossip."

- "I don't eat junk food."

Now let's finalise with this week's personal realisation...

3.) Clear thinking

Never underestimate how long it takes to think things through.

Seriously.

It's easy to convince yourself life is all about action and being in forward momentum.

But the most high value activity that continues to bring me the most amount of stillness when I have a decision to make or I'm trying to understand something is; thinking.

People hate to think. To sit down. To mull things over. To clear the space to unpack something in their mind.

We perceive thinking as laziness, mental illness and a sign of inaction and unnecessary complexity.

"Stop overthinking it." We hear people say. "You're thinking to much. Snap out of it."

But to really think things through, weigh up your options, get to the bottom of something, journal, talk to yourself and continue to reorient your attention back to the problem you're thinking about takes time, energy, patience and skill.

It's the one thing that can change everything.

As the saying goes; 6 months of introspection can prevent 60 years of living a miserable life.

So slow down.

Take some time.

Think things through.

It'll make all the difference in the world.

Thank you for reading.

Until next week.

Lew

What's next:

The last 5 videos on the channel have all been about mental health.

So now it's time to get some social skills videos up 😎. Big topics upcoming; boundaries, speaking powerfully, being concise in your speech.

I'm excited.

Social skills course: I don't care how long it takes me to make this course I want it to stand the test of time 🤣. I'm still plugging away. Stay tuned.

Question:

What's something you're currently excited about?

Quote of the week:

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